2010-08-14
send me on my way
When I try to describe my summer (thus far) to myself or anyone else, the only world that readily arrives upon my lips is "whirlwind." Whirlwind summer. Like it was a playful and insouciant zephyr that softly lifted me off the ground and gave me a twirl, providing me a carousel-like, blurred view of the season. Amidst the vibrant and colorful rotations, I caught bright, whirring glimpses of June, July, and a snippet of August, as this fresh trio of summer months playfully raced on by. I was then gently placed me back on my feet right here, today, on this notable day.
As I sift back in my memory to recollect this whirlwind, the blips are most easily apparent: graduation, fourth of july, a weekend at the beach, exploring the North End and then eastward, drinking in Harvard Square, Elena's visit, Joanna's visit, Petie's visit. Then there are the more mundane and typical tasks, where each individual occurrence is lost and they meld together: the miles I ran, walks I took, card games, movies we watched, sunsets I glimpsed, journal articles that I read, kids I collected data from, lab meetings, scheduling families, dinners at home.
It all blended, and when I try to reflect upon it all, and extract the meaning of it, the evidence from it, the PROOF of my growth and self-improvement and all that I learned, my hands are empty. It's like when software companies online show the product they are selling, and it comes in this colored, labeled cardboard box--- or how on those Progressive commercials, people shop at the "insurance store" and buy "boxes" of an insurance policy that Flo "rings up" for them to complete the purchase. There are no actual, tangible, material products for these things, just like there is no physical finished product that serves as evidence of all of the "experiences" that I "experienced" this summer.
I have to trust myself, that I carry those experiences with me in my mind, body, heart and soul, that they are there even if I am not always able to readily call upon them at each instant (which almost seems to be what I have been demanding of myself lately). But they happened, they all happened, and I hold them within me. And I know I just want to look back on everything here and feel like I accomplished something, that I grew, that I learned a lot about myself and about the things I studied. But I want to let go of that wanting as well, and just believe it. Be my own religion, have faith in me. It was all good.
Today is a notable day because it is my last day in Massachusetts, and today I'm flying to Philadelphia, which will be my new home for the next two years (if all goes according to plan, which I fully expect, but it's possible that things could change). I am, of course, beyond excited. But these days, that's often how I feel. Sometimes tired, or slightly discouraged that I'm not brilliant, or occasionally antsy to do, and feel, and be, ...more. But mostly just excited. I'm not sure what it'll be like. But I feel strong, I feel independent, I feel like I can do this (especially if I stop judging myself).
It's almost time to get carried off into the air again, to lift off. But I'll find myself grounded, and the blurry warmth of summer (those curly heat waves of lazy delirium!) will be replaced with something of equal but decidedly different consequence: a real life JOB. A good one, a fascinating one, a fun one, a really good fit for me. Yeah, excited. Time to take flight!
leesah-likes at 1:55 p.m.