2010-08-31
gray or blue
I watched you very closely I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue I'm never close enough to say
Maybe this is materialistic, but over the summer, I have made a list of things that I would to buy once I can afford them. A quality scented candle (amused by its pithy fragrance name, I recently purchased a "birthday" scented candle for 99 cents at Supreme Market, and it's really not packing the aromatic punch), a hanging plant (that hook above my south-facing window longingly awaits some dangling greenery to beam in the sunlight), fresh berries (raspberries!) and other such quality fruit (a fresh watermelon, all for me! A final enthusiastic slurp of its summery juices). Other stuff too- perhaps a bike (bought used), the new Arcade Fire album, a membership to the recreation center, a new blouse. I don't know when I'll decide I can unleash the spending, and I don't know if it'll feel fulfilling. They are mostly simple things. That is what I am going for, simple and good.
I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk
And I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk
I am craving salt in my diet. But not sodium-laden food-- I want to savor in the distinct saline flavor of perspired skin, or savor in the briny taste of a tear. But not my own- when I return home, drenched after a long run, or in my most silent and sharp moments of frustration, I have come to I know my own taste too well, and I yearn to sample the salt of someone else.
This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars
But I think it's very dangerous if we do not take whats ours
I stayed up till around 2am last night, finishing up a book because I couldn't put it down. It wasn't the plot or prose that made it so addictive, it was just the act of reading itself, I wanted to see it through to the end. I accidentally slept in by an entire hour, but it was no problem at all when I arrived to work late. No one checks up on me; it's trusted that I'm doing this because I am sincerely interested, and it's unnecessary to externally impose any kind of task or regulation upon me. Besides that, the day went well, I felt like I accomplished some stuff. This is a cool job, objectively. Basically, it kicks your job's ass. I feel lucky.
And I'm winning you with words because I have no other way
I'd love to look into your face without your eyes turning away
I'm looking for inspiration. Usually, I find that when I pointedly look for stuff, somehow it's spiteful and ironic so that I don't find it, sometimes because I can't see the forest through the trees, sometimes because when Iput in effort and add some element of conscientiousness, it defeats the very thing itself. But thankfully, it doesn't really seem to work that way with inspiration-- when I actively seek it out, I can find it. I wish my friends were around to inspire me, but I'm alright with this.
I can't believe it's basically September. When I imagine Carleton in my head, and picture all the familiar settings, I kind of miss it. Someday I will feel that way about this place, as well-- that longing that reminds you that it was real, that you really felt something and you were there and you existed then-- and that the tinge of sadness that it passed and can never truly be reclaimed, that sweet, murky nostalgia, will be with you always. Life, up to this very moment, is a memory. The streak of it on the wall of my mind, I try to approach it and reaffirm to myself, to the void, i was here. Or even just more simply: i was. the future, it's just the past, waiting to happen.
I haven't been listening to Elliot Smith lately, but I think his music feels overall appropriate for my life right now. Vaguely melancholy; muted. But I am a little more upbeat. But like I said above, that longing, it's there.
(lyrics by some "anti-folk" (is that a genre??) singer called jaymay. I think that's a dumb name but I like the words).
I'm excited for the fall. I think anticipation (along with yearning) are my default states. I'm always excited for something.
charmin crazy eyes have you
are they gray or blue
i wont make the move
you must make the move
if you make the move
i will then approve
if you do not move
we will surely lose
leesah-likes at 10:22 p.m.