2010-06-28
the song sings itself
"in the summer, the song sings itself." summer is the most powerful season in my life. it is full of force, like the big fiery sun, vibrant, full of fierce and unfathomable heat and light.
it's a time to build my strength, to dedicate myself to certain challenges. these challenges are specific; they are targeted toward my personal growth as i try to focus on them in a more in-depth way in these three months. summer isn't just a season... it's a project. a time, a possible gateway, to take on the battles, to confront and conquer some of the challenges that i can only partially tackle during the rest of the year. that vocabulary is intentional- it does indeed sometimes feel like a fierce fight, a struggle against some of my natural human vices: my laziness, my inclinations to defy my necessary frugality, my tendency toward banality, my continual (yet slowly decreasing) incompetence of the things i yearn to master, my self-doubt, my self-pity, perhaps most of all: my loneliness.
it is a battle, not to deny these things, but to acknowledge them and accept them to some extent, and to try to find productive, effective solutions (or compromises) in dealing with them. but as i know well, there are no answers. there are no coherent, articulate statements to make about how i overcome these burdens. it's just... life.
and these summer projects, they also possess another side of the same coins, where the descriptions are rendered in positive terms, where the season is as much about building my positive strengths and attributes as it is about minimizing my weaknesses. but for some reason, it's more difficult for me to conceive of it in these ways. maybe that's my natural inclination toward self-criticism. i can try to state these projects in a positive light: further cultivate existing passions, build upon and expand my current strength and determination, explore new places, fortify my independence. but if i were to say those aloud, i know my voice would quiver. i still doubt it all. am i not bound to this relentless skepticism of myself, due to my inabilities to maximally perform in the midst of my self-imposed challenges? i am a free bird, but am i really free?
the loneliness can be emotionally paralyzing. i think this is the root of my most salient (ie directly tangible) struggles here-- i can't help but think about all the things i am deprived of, being here and in this way. emotional things, feelings i would typically have of deep regard for the people who surround me. people here, they don't make me feel anything beyond bland annoyance or mild enjoyment. my emotions have always been deeply rooted in sociality, reflecting inspiration from meaningful interactions with other people. by 'meaningful,' i mean that either or both of us (usually at least me) are genuinely invested in the relationship between us, and actively contribute to its maintenance. i resent my all historical friends who are far away, as i feel they aren't holding up their part of this, and i am frustrated with my potential friends in my immediate vicinity, that things don't move more smoothly and quickly, that it takes time and compatible desires for and interests in openings ourselves up to one another. and time isn't really on our side as the season slips away, especially with how 'busy' everyone always is.
in some ways, this is supposed to be practice for the fall. that's scary too. i think that makes me all the more critical of my interactions with all my friends, old and potentially new. i want to feel confident and certain for the fall, and i seek that safety and certainty by attempting to establish proof of sound and stable relationships, and the way i seek that is through intensive, systematic doubt (rather than faith and trust, it would seem). even though there is no real 'proof,' and even though nothing is ever 'safe,' and even though there is no 'deadline' of the fall- these are all illusory constructs that we impose to imbue our life with meaning, to take things that are often arbitrary or not entirely in our control and exert some form of a coherent narrative or explanation upon them.
this isn't fair to anyone, for me to doubt all of us like this. i don't know how to overcome it, but to continually work to better myself. to press on against my weaknesses while struggling to acknowledge my strengths, and let the song sing itself.
leesah-likes at 10:16 p.m.