2010-06-23
no sure footing
How's hope feeling today
Tired and sick of this place
Red wine is fast
At the lip of your glass
Saying I'm going to ruin
Everything
Everything
So it's better my sweet
That we hover like bees
'Cause there's no sure footing
No love, I believe
My bridge was made of rope, and today it busted.
I'm a fraud, I've fooled everyone, almost even fooled myself. I did my best to convince all of us that I was strong, competent, and confident enough to do this, to do all this. And I will promise you that I am fine, that I am indeed better than fine, because this is all so incredible and I will never run out of excitement and gratitude for the course that my life is currently taking.
I want to believe that I am ready to move forward. I want to take tennis lessons, want to get a dog, want to go out on a date with a law student who's interested in human rights, want to volunteer after school at an elementary school, want to learn some German. I want to surge forth into the wealth of possibilities that await me in my adult life, the whir of potentials that abound, the possibilities that flicker and glimmer when they catch the glint of the sunlight.
But I have no reprive, and I convinced us all that it was okay, that I didn't need it, that I'm reflective and nostalgic enough that it would kind of be built into my new adventures. But in truth, I am lost. I know exactly where I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. But my heart doesn't know what it's supposed to do. There is no roadmap for that, no winking glimmers of possibility. My heart, it yearns for a break from the new, for some familiarity. All my friends, from my assorted pasts, the people I can really talk to, I just want to see your face, you know, looking at me, I want to see you caring. I need to see that, I need to see that look of fondness on your face, that you know it'll be okay, that you trust that I will make this work, that you have faith that my heart will find its way in the new turn that my life has taken. That you're still convinced, even if I no longer am.
leesah-likes at 11:14 p.m.