2010-07-13
sweetness
The lyrics scattered throughout are from the song �God Help the Girl,� by the ensemble of the same name. To me, they capture the bittersweet essence of singledom, which is something I have really been savoring these past few weeks. Especially the �sweet� part� Skin kissed by the golden sunshine, caressed by a warm breeze that sweeps over me, nuzzled by the lush green grass. The heat inspires a lazy sensuality: shoulders are bronzed and moist, the perspiring nape is slippery under the fingers� grasp. Hot enough for a vibrant imagination of ways to beat (and relish) the heat, puncture the status quo, and play under the dynamic sky as it urges us on. But also deliciously listless and satisfied merely spread out one�s limbs upon the earth, motionless, and to just dream. It truly is an indulgent summer.
There is no way I'm looking
For a boyfriend
There is no way I'm looking
For a scene
I need to save some dough
I'm a working girl you know
I'll fend attention off;
I keep to myself
I�ve been feeling less lonely, more empowered. Cities are good for me, because I never really tire of all the endless stimuli, and the novelty of each scene is more compelling than discomforting. I feel independent, like I won�t hesitate to do something just because I will potentially have to do it on my own. And at the same time, I am making friends and getting to know (and appreciate) people. There is plenty of comforting familiarity amidst all the stuff and events and scenes- the routine is there, and it is mine, and I know it and I am functional within it.
I love my room,
I'm getting used to sleeping
Some nights I really like
To lie awake
I hear the midnight birds
The message in their words!
The dawn will touch me in a
Way a boy could never touch,
Their promise never meant
So much to me
It�s cool to be in an environment where you know so much is going on. Like I wrote about the other time, this concept of �projects.� That�s what�s going on all around me, and even just all around Cambridge�people exploring these highly specialized areas of art and science; developing, applying, and revising theories; making original contributions in their respective fields, with the guidance and keen, insightful advice from famous, established, renown experts. It�s awesome, because all these people that are investing so much in their projects, and they are so engaged in their work. It�s a real part of their identity, and they are working toward adding to the things they are passionate about, to create new ways to think about or approach certain stuff. To me, that level of engagement is so admirable, because it indicates sincere passion and determination, and it�s always fascinating to explore different areas, and delve further into questions. That whole concept of project, of making a vibrant contribution, it�s awesome, and that�s what people are doing all around campus.
I sit for hours
Just waiting for his phone call
I'll eat the chocolate
Hidden in the fridge
I'll play his messages
Analyse his intonation
Please stop me there
I'm even boring myself
I have also been running a lot. It feels good. My heart is getting stronger and my endurance is growing, I can feel it. It�s rewarding to feel that change within yourself.
This summer research project is about half over. Elena will be here in a couple weeks. Then Petie will come, and maybe I�ll also get to see Jon and Joanna and come point. Then I�ll fly out to Phila, and my job starts in about a month. It kind of feels like, at this point, that the adventures will never end. That can�t be true. Stability will have to eventually settle in. But I hope that, by then, the progress and advances I will have made throughout these summer projects, all of them, will find me content with myself and my habits and my abilities, and I will be in a (metaphorical) place where I will be ok with settling down a bit. But until then, it�s good to keep things scrambled and rearranging, getting stronger, becoming more ok with long-term separation from lots of people I�d grown used to seeing on a predictable, adapting to a post-grad kind of life.
I think of him
When I'm doing the dishes
I think of him
While looking in the sink
This ain't no play on words
My love for him's absurd
If he gave me a sign
I'd think about it for a week,
I'd build it up
And then I'd turn him down
I�m glad I want something. I don�t think I ever want to stop wanting. I never want to be fully satisfied. I don�t want to yearn pathetically for a boy, but at times there is certainly something pretty special about that feeling, about the mild yet urgent yen for that exquisite kind of company. It inspires the charged, flickering fantasy of a m�lange of his most treasured qualities- skin rougher than mine, his foreign aroma, kissable lips, and so on. Glad that desire is currently getting fulfilled by the sweetness of the summer, for now.
leesah-likes at 11:12 p.m.