2005-03-31
let-go or let-stop
I've created my own comical gesture to employ. of course i can't describe it here, but it's basically taking your hands and letting the invisible stuff slip through the fingers.
letting go is stupid and unecessary. i'm not going to elaborate any further on this point. old routine and habit strain me inside a little. i'm going through a form of routine withdrawal. i don't DO things the way i used to. the little things, the things that were a comfort in their consistency. i'm really weak when it comes to it. i don't know what to do. i haven't cried about this, but it hurts deep. simple changes in daily activities, youchity. no crying, but since i am torn i have tears (get it? eh?).
like a trip into the past:
at our hotel in miami, the shower knob was incredible. it actually had a comfort zone labelled on it! it got me thinking. i turned the knob way over, to each extreme. i decided that from now on, i will not let other people make me feel like a piece of crap. i'll leave that to my bedroom sink .
i hate semicolons. i think they are really dumb and pretentious and overused. they occur in siddhartha, which doesn't bother me that much, but still. semicolons are dumb, except when employed as a ;)
people are nice, people are caring. it is offensive to refer to them as one cumulative mass because individually they are brilliant. and these people at the highschool, i hate myself for making some worth more than others, for wrongfully deeming their opinion more highly. because now it's messed me up in seeing that there are people out there who DO like me. they do. i am a-ok in their book. this is taking a while to realize. it's funny trying to decide whose opinion matters, when to care and when not to. people like me, they think i'm attractive, they think i have stuff going for me and am worthy of their time and embrace. i don't know where i lost this.
at the beginning of english class today, like ten people crowded around to see my pictures. one was of an old fat guy and they asked me who it was and i told them it was my boyfriend, sarcastically and stuff. "I thought vinnie was your boyfriend!" Amber said. Here's the hilarious part i think: Elaine quickly replied, "no, no they broke up." Amber asked me really, why? I proudly said because i don't know, and yes. it was weird because i'm sure most people in the class heard and it was an awkward thing to talk about. it was oddly liberating. sean was at the speech reception the other night, he came for petie. i'd be doing the gesture right now if i wasn't typing.
i wonder if there are people out there who have nothing to say about the ocean. who when asked, "hey, what do you think of it?" they would just shrug their shoulders and say "nah, i dunno." how could someone have no word? i really like the ocean. and seashells. and not in just some dreamy way. i'll write about it next time i need a cop-out entry.
tomorrow is friday. i haven't hard a kalispell-style one of those in a long time. let's make it good, shall we? the weekend beckons, i am sure. today reminded me of that one word used in the poem on the iowa tests to describe the sun. blanched, was it? my mind was able to stay on track during those, but every once in a while there would be a question that would remind me of something from my life and i would think about it while i answered it. julian said he would stare of at the typed words sometimes. i am not that kind of girl.
i wish i could control my dreams. i hate these. i hate the old context of my "f" word. i don't want to go to sleep because i wake up and realize my r.e.m. stage hasn't got the memo yet. you can't dream like that, it just makes it harder on me when the mo(u)rning comes. i try to empty my head before i go to sleep each night. that might be the hardest part of the routine loss. it's impossible to get it blank.
i wish thom knew me better. i wish he knew that the reason i am a bad hugger is because i can't just let go of myself and hold someone else. i am terrified that they won't hold me back. i wish he knew lots of things. everyone else can go on being oblivious, including myself. this is starting to make no sense.
i am a busy girl, one of them that has a lot of things to do. i've been badly procrastinating, wasting time like crazy. i'm being thinking about garbage terms lately. even the best fall down sometimes.
i got to upstairs in the black box today! it is awesome! erk and i matched today! yayness! everyone had better be prepared for tomorrow. haha, happy thoughts, goodones to leave on.
leesah-likes at 4:35 p.m.