2010-03-11
bottom floor
and all i really want is to feel that charged moment. some inescapable tension that makes me want to flee but at the same time to just stay. ugh i can't escape cliches right now, my brain is fried. for once, for once the issue is that i'm thinking ahead to the future, and not focusing on the present. i am being bad at balancing this, i am thinking ahead and neglecting what is here and now; i am usually so good at living in the present moment and trying to take in everything but i. just. can't.
my head is all over the place, swirling with summer plans and job offers and this projection i have of my future, this trajectory. i feel like i'm the stone in the slingshot, resting in the corner of the band as it is stretched way, way back, aiming and poised to fire. but not for a week or so, just wait. i need off the band, if i were to continue with that metaphor, i need to be here.
here, in this library, on this bottom floor, under this dim flourescent lighting, amongst my scattered piles of notes and the books whose spines have remained prestine and uncracked for way too long. i hate seeing the most recent 'date modified' of these docs; it's like my computer is scolding me; it's been way too long.
i just want to escape to some thing sublime and scary and weird and nonsensical but i always say that and i never ever ever really do. so here i am, transfixed with the future but inevitably stuck in the present, here on this bottom floor.
leesah-likes at 7:22 p.m.