2010-03-28
poles
I feel like, when I leave here, I will still have the same compass, but the magnetic poles will be removed. Does that make any sense? Like I'll still have some vestigal sense of direction, but my orientation will be all skewed, without those basic points to anchor me down. Being here, it's felt immune to the Socratic method. Why are you here? Because I am, because I'm a student, because this is what I do. And the devil's advocate that I conjure in my head, ie Socrates, would wordlessly arch an eyebrow, waiting for me to realize the err in my explanation, and it wouldn't phase me. This is what I do. But will that answer always be enough to satisfy me. I guess I am going to find out.
I want to go places on campus that I've never been. In such a small world, it's hard to think that I've been here nearly four years and there's still corners left unexplored. Second floor of Olin, corridors in Evans, the bell tower to the chapel, the roof of Boliou and the Music Hall. I realize that to an outsider, those are all just innane names, but to me, they ring with a very peculiar sort of familiarity, almost like a vague ownership.
I want to drink wine every day, tour the kitchen, walk Portia. Make a mistake or three, and actually be able to laugh them off. I'm not afraid of romanticizing my life here, just a little bit, right before it ends. Because it really is great, and it has been great. I've grown immensely in so many ways, I can't even say, lots of improvements, lots of lessons. Not any regression, that I can think of.
Weird to think that I'll be moving to a city that I've never been and where I don't know anyone. A funny adventure. I don't know. Still processing it. I've got high hopes for me. I hope I still want everything that I want (and am willing to work for it as much as I say I am) once the safety net/magnetic poles are removed when I graduate. I know I'm fixating on that a bit, but I just think it's an interesting concept-- this community, I think it inevitably entrenches one in a certain lifestyle and value set and mentality as a result of merging with the collectiveness, and it'll be interesting to see what happens when the individual (well, me), is displaced from the times/places where these values and ways of life and perspectives were first developed.
Lots of other thoughts too. The sun shining through the dishwashing soap makes for a really pretty shadow. Mason Jennings sings, "I don't want to be together, I don't want to be apart, I don't want none of this love for you honey, deep deep down in my heart." Not wanting to love someone but loving them nonetheless, it's weird that that's still love but i guess it is. "The love that tears me apart still beats deep, deep down in my heart." Rented 'synecdoche, ny' again... probably not patient enough for it this time round. waiting to sublet. trying to pretend heather's haircut wasn't that bad- i don't think i pulled it off. i don't want to be afraid of the things i fear. sometimes my breath still quickens when i'm biking, after that accident this summer. and this fear of heights is ridiculous, i wish i could rationalize myself out of it. bugs me that i can't.
And some other things don't phase me as much as they used to. I don't know if I should be concerned or not. Not getting the DC job, didn't care. Breaking up wiht Brian, barely flinched. Things i thought would make me feel something. Maybe that's why they didn't work out in the first place. Maybe it's because I knew they weren't what I wanted. I don't know. Maybe it's ok not to be phased sometimes.
i'm happy. i'm ready.
leesah-likes at 12:03 a.m.