2010-04-20
waking for you
If I just stop-- if I stay silent for a while, I can almost remember what it felt like to love you that hard.
I very much have to concentrate on it, just what it felt like to have this urge command all my thoughts and actions. And I realize that being that way is irrational and ultimately not the best way for me to be, but the lack of moderation was just so beautiful. Maybe the thing guiding your feelings and your behavior isn't the best thing, but at least it IS guiding you-- at least you have a drive.
I miss that feeling of motivation... I miss waking for you. Being willing to get out of bed in the morning because I knew that when the hour came, we'd be together. And orienting my other activities so that I could be with you- the tiny shifts in plans and errands so that I could hasten it. Anticipation can be very powerful, and when you know (and I knew) that getting to that moment would be worth all the wait and longing of it, then it's an amazing feeling.
I wish I had these things. A central driving force to my day (beautiful one, like us), and that vivid, earnest sense of anticipation. When will I feel like that again. I don't think I can create it myself. I don't think I can put a bounce in my own step. I think I just have to hope and to wait for it, and continue orienting myself toward rationality instead. But rationality is no fun. Hopefully eventually.
leesah-likes at 1:06 a.m.