2010-03-07
this old love
and something about this makes me want to cling to the familiar, to grasp it and hold it tight, pretending that there are some things in life that you can count on, that you can guarantee THIS, that this love is like oxygen or gravity. this old love, i know it, it's safe, it's a part of me i know well. something about it makes me want to do that.
maybe because i am both thrilled and terrified by the verge of things. the verge of something, that's everything. because it makes for the most beautiful moment, because the idealism can still be intact before the crush of reality and the inevitable grounding of this Romanticism, because the anticipation of it, the promise of it, the hope/dream/wish of it in your mind and heart is even more beautiful than the thing itself, as you wait for it, and then once it comes you can't go back to that verge; it isn't the same. so i teeter in that precarious state, that place between you knowing something and you not knowing that you don't know something. that place, where you know that there's something that you don't know. the obliviousness has partially been folded back, so a terrific opaque veil covers the possibility. here i am. won't be here for too long, because the veil will soon be removed. but i'll be here long enough to feel that heightened edge, like maybe this is life to a greater intensity or magnitude for that moment. and i want to live to so free and real and to just be me and go with it and delve in, but i feel that to do that i also need to keep this love with me, this old love. because without it i am not myself.
so i'm still gonna hold it tight, i am, right here with me as best i can, if i can hold onto it, there will still be something to salvage if the crush of reality comes down, if that moment of possibility, that sweet delicate potential, happens to fracture when it is actualized. and if it doesn't, if i rise and the dreams come true, i'll rise to it, i'll meet that beautiful floating potential and merge it with reality, and i will take this old love with me.
leesah-likes at 10:45 p.m.