2006-03-22
origins
Looking back upon this year, I am startled that today has the date that it does. The sun and earth have been revolving; time has passed to consequentially lead to the label that today possesses. But in this time, I feel that it has been a thief.
Or I have allowed myself to be robbed.
It has stolen from me the irrevocable moments of my senior year that lead to this current time. The calendar makes no sense, and it is not because of some major glitch in the universes (although I am sure that those exist), but in my distorted perception of time.
I connect dots backward, and they sloppily lead to today, based upon the major memories of the school year. These events are distinct blemishes that I've allowed to stand recognizeable, because of their significance on the calendar.
I have lost the nights where I stayed up reading (what book?) when I should have been asleep.
I've lost the time I laughed so hard in English class (who said it?) that I almost cried, the time my parents got mad at me for staying out too late wiht my friends (what were we doing, what made it special?).
When was the last time I drove to nowhere and back again?
I can't place things.
It's not so much the order that I want, or even the recollection of each moment, but the coherence.
I don't know how I got here. In logical terms it all makes sense, but I desire to comprehend the complex origins of the here and now.
I haven't been fully aware of this year. I did not take an active approach; I fear I slouched.
I did not lose myself wonderfully in any particular moments.
To lose yourself, you have to find yourself first.
I'm not looking.
I'm making money for schools that I probably (I'm not just being humble here, I sincerely believe this of myself) won't get into, I'm averting eye contact because it feels too intimiate for some reason.
I'm whistling. I'm fine.
I don't ever have identity crises. That's something I'm even sort of proud of; I know damn well who I am.
But it's hard to understand myself if I don't see where I'm coming from.
Alas, change will come again. Something about spring is particularly altering.
Ready to blossom.
An increase in sunshine.
I need to think, but only if it is beautiful.
I just don't know how I got here.
I've evolved. So let's seek out the emotional fossils, analyze them and date the surrounding sediments.
You get the shovel and paintbrushes, I'll get the carbon 14.
leesah-likes at 9:21 p.m.