2006-03-31
"live through this and you won't look back"
You know, as much as I think of all the people and places in my life right now, I have to admit it-
A new world is emerging.
This world is not known at all, except for that it contains me.It is a Petieless world; my bedroom with its view of the trees is not quite there. The mountains are different and perhaps nonexistent, and the comforting expressions on Julian's face are so very far away. Even my mom is distant. And the tinier things are gone, too. The steps up to the nonfiction section of the library; Ms. Bowen; creme brulee at The Knead. Polson becomes a dusty childhood, and Sean and Tabby are just kind people that I once knew.
I am afraid of this world, I am afraid of honestly admitting and living my age of eighteen,
and going somewhere where I can't just play the piano badly as my fingers fumble upon the keys, or take a steaming hot shower as I sing and make up the words where I don't know them. Where everything I know now- which will then be old and outdated- is a form of youthful nostalgia before true maturity and responsibility formed my life, molding it with obligations and standards. Flathead Lake is gone; people like Isaac and Miss Fisher are only vaguely remembered. What world is this?As apparent as the unease is for the change in surroundings, maybe the biggest differences will be in myself. Maybe my hair will be cut short to my chin, maybe I'll drink alcohol every week. Many manipulations are possible.
And in this new world, what is there comforting and familiar to grasp onto?
I know I'm stoked and ready for it, but only when I'm in the right mood.
Life right now is in a limbo, at a threshold.
I leave behind my Spanish worksheets and walks to Woodland for something I can't yet discern.When I get home, they'll help me make my decision, help me realize which opportunities I have to choose from. That's how I'll think of my admissions notifications: helpful guides that offer needed boundaries for all of the possibilities.
And then the perspective shifts, and my world of now becomes antiquated. Lyndsey Black gets left behind, and the meaning of "Hamlet" is muddled and loses all of its importance. Imagine all the things right now not mattering. It's startling when really envisioned, and a bit of a relief in a cautious way. Like, life will be incredibly different. To hell with that awkward conversation with whomever, or the leftover bitter tinges from an old love! You have a class seminar on psychology to attend and new, intriguing people who are itching to know you better! Oh, I know this one song, it was playing in the car the time we drove to-- it's playing NOW just listen and enjoy!
You are going to miss Michael bad, you know he's one of the last good guys- And Lizz, phone conversations with her won't ever replace her understanding glances. But
LIVE, live so much and so real!
Go ahead and flex, and assert to yourself that you're strong. And maybe you're not, but that's okay- you'll learn and grow. And sometimes it will hurt, but you'll press on like a little camper.
You'll learn to lose yourself, to sin in moderation, to embrace your skin fully.
Your new world is YOURS and that's the most important part.You will miss the fading sunsets and you will yearn for any semblance of what you once knew. But stay chipper and live like a garden does. To miss is a form of love, and this love is two-sided for sure.
And love has the strongest bond of all, a resilient strength that no inhibitions can ever break.
So look upon the world of now and allow yourself to bask and revel before circumstance slips it away. Look upon the ceiling of J.D. Morrell's with a grin, and sink into the seats at The Liberty. Don't ever let Julian go, and be there for Petie forever. Make Adam something beautiful so he can remember you, and bring your speech suit to college- just in case you need it. Mom will call and pester sometimes, and your relationship with your older brother will continue to morph. You won't be cooking noodles whenever you're hungry or getting a pass to go to the bathroom, passing by Ben and his kind, solid gaze on your way.
Go ahead and sigh.
You've let go of your life before- you've got a 1-for-1 record for life transitions, you're at a 100% success rate.Let yourself remember this:
This world is yours.
All these combinations of events and acquaintances floating around- they belong to you. Have the sight to recognize what you want, and live it. You'll have more of a philosophy when you need it.Old world, new word, blah, whatever. It's a world. Your world.
leesah-likes at 9:47 p.m.