2005-11-20
peaceful pieces
Fragments and parts. This weekend flowed as a constant stream of pleasant events, but with glistening moments so not to be forgotten.
As I gave my semifinal round speech, I looked to Adam as I spoke of exciting things in life. His eyes were a little shiny, moist and reflecting light from the room around the rims of his lids. I didn't think much of it, just maintained his eye connection to mine. Afterward, he told me he felt like crying. Those were tears in his eyes.
Something about that- what I was saying, how it was Adam, just the expression on his face- made it so, so special. I won't forget how he looked at me.
We were in a big circle, all facing one another as the sun shone down. It felt so enigmatic, everyone was pumped. We put our thumbs up to our temples, extending all our fingers out like antlers, and sang a song about a moose. It was wonderful.
Final around, Cissy watched with her face leaning on her hand and her elbow on the desk, just gazing at me. She looked so much like Petie, with a warm grin of curved lips.
(Evan had circled that a kiss is smiles pressed together. That sounds really nice. Someday I'll be kissed again. I want it, but I'm not desparate. I miss warm smooth lips, although I don't need them. Anything is possible, dear. Keep eyes bright with hope.)
Vera and I turned to each other as we stood on stage after third place had been announced. Our eyes were big and they bound for just a moment. Then, they called my name and we both smiled. The team stood, and it felt a little surreal. This is her event. She was supposed to win. It felt good. I am proud of both of us, and I respect her talent. I wanted success. I had told Julian this while we strolled outside in the dark for a moment before the awards ceremony had begun. I got what I wanted. I was fufilled.
Petie and Dan got first. Jarrett and Laramy also both won- good for them. Amanda whispered to me when this girl with a very creative suit got up to claim her certificate, �The movie theatre called and they want their curtains back.� This is a good example of the way that I like to Amanda- to be taken a little more lightly but still appreciated.
We hustled back to Petie's to get ready. It was rushed, but I still felt pretty. That's a good dress.
Everything works out. One of the MPA commencement speeches states that you can connect the dots looking back, that things work out the way they do for a reason and that it makes sense. I think this is like saying that hindsight is 20/20, maybe. This might be irrelevent to what comes next.
Ryan worked it out. Our dinner plans had been nebulous at best. We ended up at the Painted Horse. I remembered going there with Ben, or for my birthday with my family my first year living here. The lights are dim and the walls are padded. It was a pleasant and tranquil meal. The food was so favorful and succulent. The chocolate mousse was divine. I love my date.
We danced to �Jump Jivin' Whale� when we got there. Julian is a bad dancer, but we had a lovely dance. This song reminds me of Quincy. He was a fabulous dancer and very good to me. I hope he is well in Antarctica. Julian is smiling and I can see in his face that he feels it.
I found Ben during a bad country slowdance song. I have to say that is probably the best dance I've ever shared. He was so fluid. He looked at me and really saw me. I thought of all he had been through. He twirled me. We intertwined fingers and I smiled, smiled just for him. He lead us everywhere we went, and I stepped on his foot once. I thought of the song he sang for me, and koalas. Ben is a beautiful human being.
Group dance and sing to �Your Body is a Wonderland.� Ken is a good guy.
Petie and I danced to �Toxic,� and I felt so hot and fun. It's the type of hot that's every individual- thoroughly enjoying the body of oneself, and not necessarily in a sexual way. It was so cool. She did really well last night.
Caleb and I danced. I appreciate him and I think that we were cute together. He pulled me in closer.
Chase was making out in the corner. It was kind of sick. I can understand being horny and stuff, but I don't get exploiting it to others in order to validate yourself, or without a sense of mature (and classy- is that too much to ask after the gross underwear incident?) discretion. I'm really NOT being uptight and scorning him on this, but, yuck!
�The Way You Look Tonight.� Julian came to me. He is incredible. Out of all the people, all those bodies, that were present, he is the most for me. Some day, when I'm awfully low, When the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you... And the way you look tonight. Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm, And your cheeks so soft, There is nothing for me but to love you, And the way you look tonight. I gently touched his face, and he clumsily twirled me. I knew the words, and I sang them for him, and I meant them so truly. It crept up slowly, steadily, with the streaming melody of the words as they grew. There was no definitive burst, but I found myself feeling grand. I felt so Grand. �Bliss� seems such a light, feathery term. This was substantial joy. We held, we pressed and moved and laughed to the happiness of the expressions each other so marvelously had. Separate and unified deep felicity. The song ended and we drew each other in. Breathing feels so nice. I love being alive.
Dancing with Liz. She is awesome. She's buff and pretty and loves to dance. I could see how she was enjoying herself, and then we danced together. We were hot.
Zeb and his mop. Myahi. The dancing chain.
YMCA. I went to Michael. He knew the words. He moved his feet. We all lifted up our arms and I closed my eyes and sang it. The lighting was delirious. She wanted to relocate away from him, and I felt a little pang, a feeling my own, a similar tinge of... something (bitterness? remorse? envy? mere unease?) as well. Damn tinges. I did want to just laugh at the patheticness, but I knew it wasn't that funny because of the earnest and well-meaning feeling behind it. I sickly end up admiring that a bit instead.
The last dance, we fought and got rowdy, because you gotta fight for your right to party. The lights then went on, and it was over. Elliot showed up to clean up. Drowsy yet attentive at the movie. Sleeping delirious, lines of speech in head. Sweet dreams.
It all just flows, as I s'pose life does. There's always a little fog these days, and a feeling of being mentally disoriented when it comes to how far we've really come. Getting better about blending �knowing� into �feeling.� Some dreams are meant to wither away, others will remain although dormant. As a positive number, be zero (don't be negative). Move along, letting your own sun shine. These peaces are what bring me my pieces of happiness.
leesah-likes at 4:37 p.m.