2005-08-31
next now
There is this short story by Hemmingway called "White Hills Like Elephants." I think. The white might be with the elephants and not with the hills; I am bad a remembering. My Polson friends read it in class today, English class. Lizz, Matt, Tanner, and Kristine all have that class together.
I think I would have been there. I love them.
It will be my bedtime reading.
Once I'm ready. I'm pretty neurotic right now. I'm trying to get everything together. I know I won't sleep well. Relenting to that fact actually works quite well for me, I just give it up and let the night be what it will.
But I think I am going to have a tough time being easy-going about this.
At least at first.
Cats do not like me because, at times, I kinda treat them like dogs. Who would like to be treated like something they're not?! Certainly not me.
The emerald eyes behold truth and strength that I can barely comprehend and revel in. With opening more doors and windows, more sunshine can be allowed in. You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Tomorrow will be so fun. I vividly remember parts of last year, somewhat because of my recording of it here. I want to soak it all up, my last first day.
I could get awfully sentimental about it. But I'm going to choose not to be awful!
I won't let myself get overwhelmed. Deep breaths. Gosh, I must sound so stupid. Sleep comes first.
Julian's greeting when we (I love "we") entered his house: "do you guys want a cupcake?" That's pretty awesome.
See beauty in everything. In misery, in your doubt, in nature. Beauty is everywhere for you to enjoy.
Use all your senses. Absorb the world, slowly and moderately. Bask in the time and places and circumstances and coincidences and humor... whoa. Conjunction overload. Apologies abound.
I was so shocked that my mind didn't know how to think or react. The concept and idea of "cold" only distantly registered in some way that I couldn't comprehend. I look over at her face. Her eyes are shut slits and her mouth is open and gasping. Our skin is completely penetrated and immersed by the lake, soaking into all the pores. I don't know if my heart has ever beat so hard and so fast. In some ways.. it was so hard for me to do. I couldn't let go. I felt like it was my last chance to be completely careless and I wasn't able to just release all of it.. the concerns and setbacks, fretful worries and endearing hopes and expectations. I feel okay though, I don't regret it. I couldn't let these things just drop, and that's fine. At least I can handle them well. I wanted to be more for her. Everything is so amplified, even if so much of it is in the head. Shiny happy people holding hands.
I don't want to be always so profound. I walked in Woodland after Petie dropped me off at home. I found a nice place to sit and watch the water spouting out of the fountain thing in the duck pond. I watch the waterdrops descend back into the surface of the water in this weird, entrancing pattern. I wasn't entranced by it though. I sat on a rock and the sun was shining on me and I was listening to a song that I like the sound of. I was all by myself and I suddenly got this splendid shiver that ran through my body. I felt so good. I didn't completely notice, but I'm sure there was a huge smile on my face. No one was around. I felt incredible, like everything was going to be okay in some serene yet diligent way. That's bubblebathism for you- immersed in myself in the best, most superlative (heh), sense ever.
I am trying to think of a way to properly conclude summer. It has been good. Little snippets of memories stroll through my mind, one after another in a smooth manner. I really lived and felt. I experienced in the grandest ways. I thought about the present.
Now is all we really have. The past was ours, but now it doesn't exist in a tangible, accessible way. And we don't possess the future yet, it's not here. Neither of these things are here, they just aren't. But right now is.
Now is all we've got.
I loved the nows, and I will continue to do so. Thanks, sun. Thanks friends. I'm grateful. And I feel good. Here's to the next nows. See you there.
leesah-likes at 10:39 p.m.