2005-06-07
lilac pillow
yesterday, as she left, she wore a smile on her face. llevar. she's been so quiet all year, we never really talked about anything of consequence. she did one of those kind nudge things, but to my desk, not me. "have a fun summer, i'll see you next year," she said. it wasn't timid, not once you realize that's how she always is. (if a person is consistently timid, isn't it not timidness? isn't it relative? anyway.) she walked out of the room as the bell rang, and i along with the rest of the class followed. adios.
yesterday was june 6. not much to comment on that, besides holy crap this is june already and it doesn't nearly feel like it. and also, my chemistry lab partner pointed out the date, "it'll be 06-06-06 on this day next year, maybe the devil will come up and kill us all." nice thought. now let's do this titration.
mrs. brown winked at me today. yeah okay i'll put that in my journal.
it hurts me to think that i make people sad. i'd rather not have any effect at all than that. at times it would be better to just not exist.
my lilac bushes never bloomed. this makes me really, really sad. i can't pass them out to people, i can't make my mom's bed when she leaves early for work and put a bouquet of them there on the pillow after i neatly fold the sheets. i can't sniff them. it's really sorrowful.
i am going to spend a day this summer on a serene and unaffected piece of earth and sit there, all by myself as the hours pass. i'll try not to look around and watch the sky alter or look to the surroundings for what occurs. it might be "self" thing, i'm not sure how it works, and i really don't care. nothingness.
april was a better month than i allowed myself to realize.
maybe these are all better months than i am allowing myself to realize.
exhalation comes soon enough. press on little camper, press on.
feel and be beautiful, closer to fine, these dreams are dead, and i'm alive.
leesah-likes at 10:44 p.m.