2005-06-04
i may, i might, i must
if you will tell me why the fen
appears impassable, i then
will tell you why i think that i
can get across it if i try.
things always work out for the best. that is the hardest lesson to comprehend. i still don't know if believe in it, and i am still flawed enough to need proof in order to do so.
we define our own proof.
what will ever be good enough?
this car turned right as i cornered the keith house on the sidewalk. i was going my normal pace, but i wanted to pick it up. this car, an suv, kept going down the road as i did. i could see its brake lights slow down as an old woman crossed the street. i accelerated some more. i wanted to be by the car. i ran down the slanted part across from that one church near hedges. i could still see the navy suv fifty feet in front. i took bigger steps to get to it. it was paused, it had to be. the road was closed where it apparently wanted to go. something was driving me to get to that suv, as if i was meant to get to it. it slowed down, seemingly for me, like it knew to. but i didn't stop. i started running even faster, right past it.
who am i being untruthful to, myself or everyone else?
when i somehow told quincy, adam that i wasn't looking for that, how does it seem within me to be what i tell myself i want? why do i keep pressing myself forward instead of accepting (submitting) that right Here is a Good place? i know i am complete as i am. but somehow i seem to want to be beyond complete; more.
i keep a dream journal. the first time i ever dreamt about him was about a week from now of last year. do you realize how fucking long that is to dream about someone?! and i can't control it. a fucking year. i want him out of my head.
summer dreams are so beautiful. This loving hopes endure, i'm trying to make so much out of it all. maybe i need to stop overwhelming myself before i drown in some tide of unfufilled expectations. be realistic. ...why? screw reality. it's all relative anyway, i know that from my past. anything is as real as you allow it to be.
my sporkfoon friends are bored with me. school sucks, i'm trying so hard to appreciate it but i just can't. i was almost cynical about graduation in that i did not let it inspire me as much as i may have in the past whilst i was more naive. the balloons could not have been the best part. there is so much more there. but somehow it's not about what i have been trying to accomplish for three whole years now, it's about people being able to wear robes because they met the minimal requirements to "get out of here." i don't know. it's just a lot to think of.
maybe i'll grow to accept the sick park within me that actually likes standardized testing, because i know that part exists. they are a little fun, i can't explain it. i don't like it as much when i get my scores back and they don't live up to my unrealistic expectations, but the test-taking itself is somehow enjoyable nonetheless.
maybe i shouldn't have continued, and should have left it at the verse. a fen is a swampy, marshlike area.
why it is so easy to see the flaws in others at times while avoid noticing them in others? like loneliness, and the pursuit of something to fill it. i look and offer a sense of pity within a frown, and know i shouldn't be reading it. be One with oneself. well, i have that issue myself, expect that it's like with Fifteen or so. have i really stopped making any sense?
time flies on a swift pair of wings.
time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
while we're on quotes, here's a few more that i found to be Good.
Hungry? Yeah, me too.
i'll be back with more, i know i will.
the less i seek my source for some definitive,
the closer i am to fine
i said "to be continued," so i feel a little obligated here.
well, there it is.
leesah-likes at 11:06 p.m.