2005-06-01
learning leaning
I want to record a minutia of an experience here.
Sit between the two, be hysterical, sad, nothing. leaving lunch behind, just sit. nauseous. hard not to look at him for help. never needed his help before, definitely don't need it now. don't do that in your head. she speaks quickly and you watch try not to be self-conscious it's not your turn yet don't fret. give emilee a hug and listen to kelsie tell you how you're going to do great. get up to the podium start with a lame introduction, they are all waiting this isn't narcissistic you can see it on their faces. they will listen. say "passion" too many times, weird gestures just like speech. amber and sean smile in the back, look at him he's not looking back. afraid maybe, not even listening but don't let it matter because he doesn't matter god why are you being like this so what if he's in your damn english class you never talk anyway, the only reason it's a big (only not) deal is because you make it to be. he could care less and that just pisses you off. anyway. tabitha is smiling at you, on a roll, use big words and fumble through sequence, don't read quotes. shit. 10 second brainfart. feels like an eternity. make a noise like he used to when he lost his train of thought to fill the silence as you look at the papers. pick up again on mind games. oh just go with it. rush, talk fast but feel in control of your own voice. conclude awkwardly. don't know if they clapped, somehow never remember that part. like it's all for them but in the end it is not their praise that matters. sit down calmly. she's complimenting. they pass the "suggestions" notecards in. work on organization. masterful. good organization. great job. et cetera. they smile and are so nice, these people are good. it's over. it could have been better. fucking lapse. look at me. don't ask weakly damnit. like he's afraid. like i'm angry and was on fire, not bleeding as it were. maybe i have in a sense what i want in that he still treats me different than he does everyone else. but not in the way that he used to, now it is contrary. can't down the rice pudding. honestly. apply the meaning of the paper to your life and surrender to what you cannot change or control. honestly.
school will be fine. there should be no doubts, they are such a damn waste of time. it's going to happen as it will. swallow. my throat hurts.
i like work. i have a nice boss, and i work with nice people. it's all about the people. and the ice cream. the southern guys that came in yesterday, the little girl i teased, the guy who put his spoon in the tip jar, all of the people. new and interesting ones every day. i need to work on smiling though. people like it better if you are smiling when you serve them. that is hard.
i want someone i can lean on. i feel bad leaning on people who already have other people leaning on them, or leaning on people that don't want to be leaned on or people that i don't want to lean on. how to properly lean is a learning experience. or i can just fuck it and stand tall. yeah right. where's the willpower for that? i need a kiss. that might be completely unrelated.
i want to be so much. maybe it's dangerous to want to be this much. like it's asking too much of life to try to be really involved and active and present. is that possible though? life is everything, all of the things being offered are free game for whomever pursues them. i don't know. i don't demand anything from life. i do have my aspirations though. i love life, remember? i don't think i've fallen for it yet though. does that make any sense? does it matter?!
it's june. that is so cool. it's raining. that's cool too.
hope is so beautiful and endearing. this summer will be wonderful. i tell myself that and i dream of everything it can become. finding joy, finding a sense of self within the world. i hope this summer will be an incredible experience.
with that, i'm off. yep. bye!
leesah-likes at 4:21 p.m.