2005-05-06
what you want
Well, to start with, this is a big mental wash thing I'm going through. To readers, I would advise them not to read it and skim it at best. After all, it IS a diary. And this entry won't be nearly insightful enough to make it through, or at least I don't think so. So yeah, I'm treating this thing like a journal, which makes sense since that's what it is.
I gradually realize that everyone has eyes, but some do not look. It is a sense of being dignified and occupied. I am not there. But I think the important thing, within seeking, is not to believe that you are not sufficient alone. I watch her put her arm around a guy with a smile that I wonder if it's genuine, but don't really care either way. And later she mutters to me that she never had a relationship like I did, and she likes having nothing serious and many of them. And then it makes me ask the age-old question... what do you want?
Is THAT what you want? To touch guys shoulders and laugh at all the stuff they say and urge them on a little more? To see this guy one night and then starting asking about his friends? To start a phone number collection?
I don't think I want what I had. We've certainly established this for quite some time now in regards to the person himself, but now the desire of the concept of our comforting relationship is fading as well. I don't want an escort to each class, or someone who I call or who calls me every night. I don't want to hold someone's hand out of a mildly pleasing habit, I don't want to have to stop spending time with my friends and have to make an effort to turn around and see someone feebly waiting for me. Most of these don't concretely apply to my last relationship, except for the last one. I could go on about things in him that I don't want. That's too easy and too petty, definitely not worth my time. But what about the things that were in "us"? Ok, I'll think. Lunch everyday got old quick. Feeling overpowering and like I had a tagalong whenever we were with friends, that wasn't great either. Or the lack of general conversation- talking about stupid random cute details instead of life itself and how it was affecting us. This is quite odd how I am trying to answer the "age-old question" by talking about what I don't want.
I've tried on this journal before to quantify my desires. And now I realize it's all become a little more romantic, and (ironically perhaps) untouchable. I want the brush of someone's soft lips against my shoulder. I want someone to penetrate my pupils with their eyes in a serene gaze. I want to have someone who enjoys life's experiences and all it has given them and all they have created from it, I want that person to want me to be a part of their life and add to the joy of it. I want someone to swing dance with all night. To shrug at the fact that we're in a church and there are old people watching us and just find a way to get lost in the vibrant brassy sounds and make my heart race. I want someone to sing to me. I want someone busy, happy, and proficient. To have a brilliant sense of life that radiates outward. Someone to inspire...!
Once I decide what I want like this, maybe I can take some more steps. You want what you can't have, right? Well, let me define my desires. Then, I can do what I can to acquire them. Then, I have the faith within myself that if it is good and right, the wanting will maintain itself even afterward. That's how it happened before, and even though that may not be the best or strongest logic, it'll get me through. I shall once again find a way to master wanting what you can't have to a point where it doesn't apply.
It's a matter of When. But guess what? I have all the time in the world. I am young and fresh. And this is high school, which is lame. I had my cake and ate it too. Well.. before I was forced to regurgitate that is :) Maybe she had a point as she casually and playfully touched his shoulder. I refuse to fall back on "someday." Nothing to be rushed or impatient with. It comes in due time.
Happy birthday, leesah-likes.diaryland.com. Sometimes I wonder about this blog. It's gotten me into some trouble, and some really weird stuff. If it wasn't for this blog, I wouldn't have spent half a year practically in love with someone and experienced all we did. It it weren't for this blog, my bored friends would have to check OTHER websites! gasp! If it weren't for this blog, my hands would get sore writing out so much, since I have a pretty firm grip and stuff. and etc etc of course. May 6, whoopdeedoo. Look how far you've come. Yet still the same! Yay!
Anywho, the bed calls to me. Yeah, there is enough love t/here. I want. And I'll get.
leesah-likes at 11:13 p.m.