2005-05-05
who is thisperson?
It is remarkable to note how distinctly incredible some people are. I lose sight of this too often. We're all crammed in this building together for seven hours each day, but some of these people are going to do wonderful things with their lives when they grow older and society starts taking them seriously. And it is great to see how they develop. Some of these people will become something tremendous. And I get to witness the beginnings of how they got there. My friends. These people have so much going for them, all of them. I can't wait to see how this all turns out. I never want to lose touch.
Yeah, there's always that cliched analogy. High school is a waiting room for life. Who knows how much it all means and what the difference it makes. The relationships are often exceedingly frivolous or dramatic, yet they are either envied or pitied. The friendships carry you through, commonalities to whine and complain about become a source of comfort. You can relate to other people; it's almost weird to think about but it makes sense. These people, same age, same kinda stuff going on. And you can just talk about life and how screwed up it is and how crazy you can get and then you get crazy and then you laugh and realize there is something more to being something less of what you are on a normal basis. Cheers to the waiting room.
I want to break the chain. Thisperson who gave me up likes thisperson who likes thisperson but thatperson is dating thisperson who went out with lotsofpeoples. And thisperson liked me but also thisperson who once liked thisperson who I liked and they liked me but then I stopped and now thisperson might like me but I don't like them because I like thisperson and thisperson is super fun and confusing kind of like thisperson and thisperson is sometimes not even looking. I want out of the chain! I want to disentangle myself from the web. Right person, right feeling, them too, at the same time. Please!
I wanted to write something about how I feel, but I'm not sure what to say. Ever hear that song by Natalie Imbruglia? "This is how I feel.." It's called "Torn." Illusion never changed into something real. I don't know how I feel though. What use is a hopeless crush, an infatuation? Nothing is hopeless. Not in love with and yearning for anyway. Just interested and impressed. It's innocent. It always is with me.
I've been enjoying being single quite a bit. It's all fun enough to talk about, sometimes I get unleashed, or unclothed if you will. It's weird though, because when I actually have something to talk about I am incredibly discreet.
There are secrets to be kept, but they are more poetic than anything else. Yet they are unable to be communicated or emulated. I can kiss and tell, but I can never describe or share with someone else the way my lips felt and the connection between me and thisperson. We can both speak in a detatched effort to make it less surreal. That is what got to us in the first place, how we knew it was happening because we would feel it in its depth but we couldn't find its tangible place in reality outside our romance. Yes, secrets remain, never to be told because they cannot be.
Hope is a funny, fickle thing. It is lovely and enduring. Wavering yes, yet everpresent somewhere. I hope for something more, something else, something fresh, even just something. And maybe this something is within myself. But I'll look to others (thosepeople) for it, and every day I get glimpses of it and revel in how I experienced some of it. Sure I would like one consistent and comfortably securing source, but I will take what I get.
Tomorrow is Friday. This is one glorious May. Thanks for being here, thanks for coming, see you around.
leesah-likes at 5:16 p.m.