2005-04-23
developing
one thing i don't like about this site is that i can't just save drafts and work on them throughout the day. if i want to post something, it has to be all in one sitting unless i edit it. i think that's what i am going to do with this one, i'll just keep adding to it a while as everything progresses.
no one is keeping score. but if they were, i think i would be winning.
it must be a curious thing to look at people in outfits knowing you have removed them before.
someone lied to me today, and i would never ask them why they did it.
the saddest thing is seeing people fake happiness.
not that it matters (under nihilism, nothing does) but the incomprehensible comment was referring to someone's january 4.
If you only once would let me, only just one time, then be happy with the consequence with whatever's gonna happen tonight. Don't think we're not serious, when's it ever not. The love we make is give and it's take, I'm game to play along. All I can say
I shouldn't say, Can we take a ride? Get out of this place while we still have time...
i have a lot to offer and no one that i feel like giving it to. even though noteable and worthy ones want it. that's right, more than a few even. but i can't. i won't lie to myself. if it's not there then it's not there and it's me, not them. don't you dare try to empathize with that part.
maybe shouldn't have stayed up till one last night. waking up before nine was a killer this morning, but necessary and worth it. yesterday was needed. sitting there listening to him strum his guitar and glance in our direction restored my faith in the physically attractive male gender. this isn't as mean as it sounds.
i have a picture of petie and a picture of julian taped above my sink. the combination of the three of us is one of my favourites. these people are so, so good. i don't know how to tell them how good they are. i didn't laugh much last night. but i didn't try either. and i smiled and looked at them and pointed out the mountains as the sun dropped below. and the faith-restorer crooned one about catching the eye of a girl when filling up his gas. my frappe tasted so good.
i want my heart to beat like that again, it's been so long. that first smile was precious, but i lost it somewhere in my self-doubts and second guessing. i feel very susceptible. it just has to be the right person/place/thing/time etc. so picky. too picky. let it go. fracking let it go and listen to what they say.
it was perfect walking weather. we didn't walk enough, we should have walked more while we were together. impulses and cravings are bad.
the clouds marbleized over my head and i watched them moved. i was laying and my arms were folded behind my head so my sweater was up a bit and i could feel the wind on my hips. that's a good feeling, i like it. and then i tried to decide whether it is a good idea to think about myself or not and i began to realize just how important balances are.
due to a stupid catalyst that i should have been able to avoid (actually, it's not due to that. it's just something to blame.), today i lived for the most part in the past. as i was laying there, i began to think more about my future. and i realized how simple it is. i know what i need to do in the future to make it through. don't stop learning, and don't stop caring.
julian and i decided last night that "being optimistic" is just another pretty way to say "make yourself happy." he knows more about happiness that i do. i know how to convince myself that i am happy when it is very possibly so, and how to appreciate everything around me. i do not know how to write myself all cheery when i am not (unlike some) or bluff myself. i won't lie, i won't fake.
i have to be proud of how i handled it. not right now, but eventually. i could have lied to myself, told myself it was there and i could do it because i needed it and deserved it. no parallels here. i was not in too deep.
random fortune cookie sitting on desk: "your strength will grow stronger by being tried." heck yes.
leesah-likes at 7:04 p.m.