2005-01-04
frab
the body cannot be controlled. it does what it does, and the owner of it possesses little or no bearing. i can't sustain anything. i feel like a drenched sponge being incessantly rung out. i do not know what i am capable of. i should probably be there, since i am able to sit up and stare.
being sick totally sucks. i couldn't cry because whenever i would moan out in pain, whatever was in my body would shoot itself up and out. i don't know why i am writing about this. it just makes it more real for me. i don't want any pity, people get sick, it happens. i am a healthy girl. i am strong and mobile and haven't been relatively sick in a long, long time.
i'm kind of mad that it's january.
the dry heaving is the worst part. i've never really experienced that before. right after throwing up though, i feel really good for about two minutes. then it all settles in again.
there are good things that came out of this, i am sure. i got popsicles. i had a legitimate and apparent excuse to miss speech practice. i have time to think about everybody in school right now. it's almost over, it has to be.
i can't believe i've spent this whole post talking about something so trivial and insignificant as my sickness. i really think i'm getting something out of this, though. the more life experiences you have, the more empathetic and understanding of a person you become. next time someone wearily discusses their illness with me, i'll completely sympathize with them with more than just some superficial pity. i forgot how bad it is, and i remember disregarding people i would see moping around and such. i get it now. are not i so inexperienced?! it's difficult just to pick up a waterbottle! it's like the energy all got zapped out of me. walking isn't fun.
i can't meditate. i'm really bad at anything of the sort. but i tried to imagine us on a lush grass hill looking up at the sky. i haven't realized until now that it was the whale.
i don't know why i keep typing. my world is boring right now, and i'm just ranting. i could try to play the piano, i could eat mashed potatoes, i could try to do some homework. i need to talk to someone. maybe i'll just go lay around.
it's so ridiculous the way the brain has bluffed us into thinking we have the control. the unconscious part mocks the conscious part, and apt reminder that autonomic functions will do as they will. screw my stomach. i'm going to go do something else, but it will be equally as time-wasting.
i'll get better. i know i will. i always do.
leesah-likes at 10:06 a.m.