2008-11-10
lisa who
I called you on accident today- I didn't mean to, I was trying to get a hold of someone else. But you picked up, and it's when you said "Lisa Who?" that I realized it was you I had called instead.
And it was so funny to have to explain myself, who I am, to offer the weirdly-phrased "it's me! Lisa!" And even furthermore to have to justify my call. I couldn't bring myself to confess it was an accident- you sounded pleased when you realized it was me. I just had to call, I told you, you had been on my mind.
We talked for a while, offering each other life inventories. And it felt so ironic, that I was making a routine, unimportant phone call, and I ended up with you on the other line. It yanked me back to a time before any of this here, to a place where I was someone else. Talking to you, I realized I was different than what you knew. I wanted to explain the change but there's no way to do it. And I also wanted to believe that I securely hold with me the vestiges of that person that you admired, that goofy girl, that changing hasn't meant fading and disappearing, but adding and finding a way to accommodate and embody all sorts of goodnesses. That's what I would want from every person of my past- to see me now and say, "Oh, yes, you're still awesome in all the ways I remember."
I know that's not possible. But I hope, at least, to still please you.
We are going to talk again, next time will not be an accident. And yes, I am still myself. I could never be anything but.
leesah-likes at 8:54 p.m.