2008-07-27
jules and pete
Julian's toes flutter while he dozes. I would say that they twitch, but it's a smooth, slow movement, like moth wings. We are the two in the living room, and I'm gazing in his general direction.
He's a piece of furniture, silent and inanimate. But his mere presence, unconscious as it may be, is enough to hold me here. That fact strikes me as funny, how that sort of power exists. It is sort of irrational, but it's also simple and unromantic. I'd rather be with you than not, even if it's only simply with your existence. Take the rocking chair, the couch; no matter. Remove Julian, as unsentient as he is right now, and you remove the scene for me.
The beams outside are casting cool shadows on the window, making the sunlight stripe. This is in Julian's background, behind his dead face and fluttering toes. I won't get to see him again for a long time, and I'm not being too sentimental about it, but it is really unfortunate. Maybe I can dream him up when we're away, even if it's only as another piece of furniture in a room.
Petie's sitting at a table admiring pictures of her hike. We're not doing most of the plans we earnestly made when I returned, we are not often together and I mostly only feel a part of her life in spirit. I don't like discussing relationship issues, because then it is a debate where each side justifies and defends their points, my take versus your take. It's not like debate in that ideally both people win, no one loses. This sort of debate is constructive, not competitive, which is good. But even so, any claims are made on the premise of an emotion, and impression, a reaction- however frivolous or doggedly biased and selected it may be. Emotions are irrational and impossible to objectively justify, so any debate style discussion where each person's statements are based on emotions seems to be a fruitless endeavor. Not to mention that they tend to breed exhaustion, frustration, and varying forms of contempt and resentment. I'd just rather not. But I know that sometimes I've got to. I favor confrontation like ripping off a band-aid. She doesn't, so I have to suppress passive aggression as best I can. I don't want to go through this. I want to understand the other side, I always want to understand it. But to attempt to explain and justify myself is too much work, too discouraging and too self-involved.
In fact, each word I type here is too self-involved: the indulgent rants of a naive, moody girl who perpetuates her ego by writing and reading her self. I'd much rather, actually, just enjoy Julian even if he is only a chair, and continue to love Petie just because I do and that's plenty good reason, doggamnit.
leesah-likes at 1:12 p.m.