2007-06-12
waiting
While I work, people wait. They wait for thirty or more minutes, to experience something that lasts two minutes. Life is overwhelmed by long lines, red lights, and slow machinery and people in front of you at the salon or dental appt. We spend our lives waiting, even when we surge carpe-diem-ly, we inevitably come to some sort of halt, impeding our progress.
I am waiting too. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the summer to end. Eighty more days. They are beginning to blur into one another, like one long streak of each new day bringing in each old day once more. I go to the shore, I talk to you when I can, think about how much I miss you. Blurs and streaks aren't bad, though. Not really. And neither is waiting, because it supposedly eventually gets you to where you want to be.
I am conflicted about where I want to be. Lots of different places, all at once. In my old bedroom, dancing in my underwear. With my Mom in her bed, watching a movie. At Petie's on the hammock, talking the night away. It never gets boring, we could share our thoughts forever. Oh how I miss her. Or with Danny and his clock that projects the time on the wall. Maybe with Laura and Christina, spooning on the lawn. Eating pumpkin pie ice cream with Julian. So many places. I have to wait.
I remember thinking about this a few months ago, envisioning it. I wanted to challenge myself, in a way that was neither naive nor epic yet somehow has undertones of both of those qualities. To be independent and self-sufficient, to live and work on my own. Feels like I should puff my chest out or something and stand tall and proud. But I'm still ambivalent and tentatively content and just taking it as one blurring and exhaustive day at a time. It's good here. But that's all the evaluation of it that I feel like I can offer thus far.
I will stand in my line, patiently, and try to enjoy the journey rather than just the destination.
leesah-likes at 11:25 p.m.