2006-12-03
'fess�d
I have a confession to make.
I haven't been so confused in a long time.
I feel like my family is stifling me. I feel that, instead of thoroughly enjoying this special time we have together.
I feel like I like being alone too much for my own good. I hear the phone ring and hope it's not for me. I can be by myself for extended periods of time- when someone else comes along, they inevitably ruin that peace. It's this sense that I've carried with me for the past few months, that being alone can be so much better than being with other people. I am afraid of this and how natural it has become to me.
I miss Anna.
I feel like I am once again unsure of who I am
And all the inadequacies I faced while in college are flooding back into my memory.
When people came to my room and started what could potentially be a deep, hour-long conversation, I slowly got up and started cleaning around the room, adjusting items on my desk and looking downward. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't put my finger on the one elusive thing that sometimes makes me feel special, like I have something to share.
I have nothing to share. I have a bunch of empty and hollow thoughts that have gone through that machine that turns dough into long strands of pasta.
Old dreams are returning. Ones I tried so hard to leave behind, they're coming back, and they leave me numb upon waking once again.
I can't figure out what makes anything have meaning. All my old explanations feel cheesy and outworn. I am tired. I want to feel alive again. I want to feel purpose. I want to feel better about myself. I want to look out a window instead of into a mirror. This is the only feeling I'm not devoid of, this pale emotion of dull, perpetual desire.
But I am stiff. I'm rigid and alone and breathing. My best friend gets back on Saturday. I want to be all smiles to greet her. But I somehow feel like I've failed. I somehow feel like I've lost something and I want to keep just being alone and numb and vaguely wondering what that ever was about myself that somehow made me exquisitely me.
So this is my confession, that I suck at life. That I've failed, and I've made it sound so retardedly emo. It's probably just a passing phase. So pass already.
leesah-likes at 10:27 p.m.