2006-08-16
grok this
I feel like I have nothing for you today. I urge you to come back another time.
The experience of people leaving has been numbing. It's like a ribbon that frays. Everyone is slowly dissolving. They won't be in my world any more, at least not for a few months.
I've been thinking about my mind like that. The closest coherent metaphor I could create is that I am the sun, and I have my people, places, circumstances, and moods orbiting around me. We all have our own universes like this; some coincide. Ben has left my atmosphere. So have Kirsten, Liz, Tabby, and Amelia. They are practically gone. It's very difficult for me to wrap my mind around that, that I probably won't be thinking of them on a daily basis or offhand referencing them. It will take some real adjusting, but for now it's just surreal. It's not going to really hit me till later, but that time is coming. It's weird. I don't know how I am going to take it. It's like releasing something after gripping it for a long time. Your hand is stuck in position, fingers flexed, and it takes a while to wear off.
It's not �goodbye� though. It's �so long,� as Petie says and tears stream down my face. Oh gosh.
This weather is awesome. It does as it pleases. I love waking up to thunder. It beckons in the new day and arouses my senses. Mornings are beautiful. I want to learn to appreciate them more, because they are a serene time of day that I take for granted. Like at Tally Lake. I watched the mist rise from the water, looking as though something was peaceably brewing beneath the surface. The dawn light hit it just right and captured the steam. I want more. I want to be one with the earth. In the morning.
It looks like I'll be going postal this year. That's my work study job- working at the mailing office. Work is weird. Today was my last day at Tidyman's. It's been almost six months. I think I need more time before I can properly reflect upon my experiences there. I made money. The end.
I get to see my brother this weekend. I think that will be very nice. Every time I see Edward, the dynamic between us slightly changes. Sometimes it becomes a little more lukewarm, sometimes he lets me feel like his equal. It's hard to explain. I don't know where his life is. I really hope he is content. I need him to be. I'll always admire him.
I know I don't need to explain anything, but it's hard to say where I am. I haven't been thinking about college too much. Home feels blurry, though. I guess I am trying to just keeping going and smile along the way. I haven't forgotten about my yearning for grace, oh no. But it's difficult for me. I'll keep at it.
In the mean time, I rely upon slumber for most of my peace, and songs that make me flutter when I hear them. Inside me is the sound of rain.
leesah-likes at 7:44 p.m.