2006-04-10
my you
yeah. i probably shouldn't be on here right now. but it's been a while.
i kind of want everything to slow down. like molasses. can we all just be dipped in molasses? i know that is a very, very bad idea, but just maybe it gets my point across. stupid AP tests. stupid everything.
the other night, this lady came in and she got this big order, it was like eight at night and i just wanted to go home. she made me bag it double paper. that made me not like her. but then one of her things i scanned was a douche kit (some sketchy generic brand, no less) and i just found that exceedingly funny on the inside and it made me feel better. but i'm still kind of overall in a this mood. just kinda.
what the hell am i going to do with my next four years.
seriously now.
what.
i haven't had a true romantic love for over a year.
i wish i had.
but the wise girl's analogy is fitting.
when you're in love, or lust, it's a big luminous moon in your life. it illuminates everything, gives it a special and precious glow. but under that glow,
you can't see the stars. the planets, the shooting stars and sattelites in the vast and enthralling beyond that is the sky.. that is all obscured and hidden, consumed by the bright light of the moon.
i have no moon. i am moonless.
..i wouldn't mind a little illumination. it's not like my stars are exactly twinkling.
i'm trying to teach myself to discard stupid principles and pride. commending instead of condemning when people choose things that make them feel good.
i need to do that more.
what makes me feel good?
right now it's that ephemeral moment after i get off the cardio machines at the gym. the sweat is slowly trickling my moistened skin, my legs are taut with the hard work and strength. the heart beats fast. nothing seems to get it exhilarated like that anymore.
maybe we can progress. maybe someday the source will be external. maybe it will be some "you" person out there. my you.
that would be more than nice. and, uh, i'm not pleading or anything, but that would be supercool if you showed up and helped me with this whole "feel-good" thing. yeah.
been talking to tabby more. i like that. she really seems to have her life together. and kirsten. she makes me think. we're so different. i hope she knows that i'm not as smart as she thinks i am. and vera. she's suspecting me of something again, and that just amuses me. calm down, girlfriend. ah. all these people. this one i love.
april goes on. we get sunshine. i try to sit up. i want good posture in every sense of the word. i'm really still working on what else i want. really.
the space between your eyes
sometimes i just feel like
that's what looking at me
as the pupils graze on by
as i lurch on gracelessly
my words lost and far gone
in a sense of exhaustion
responses are simple
and feelings are lost,
not touched in any way.
don't ask me what that was. if definitely wasn't a feeble result of some efforted creative thought. no way. too bland. which in itself might represent what it is trying ot uphold. what the hell. whatever.
i'm good; don't you doubt that. i'm trying to realize my desires and ignore my stupid principles. let's try.
i want a moon, i want my post-exercise calm, i want less hours working,
i want more than the space between your eyes. goodbye.
leesah-likes at 10:03 p.m.