2005-08-24
liquid oxygen
I got into the bad habit today of unbuttoning my jeans and unzipping my fly before i would even reach the bathroom door (at houses, not public places!). It's very peculiar, I don't know why. And I don't really mean this in a perverse sense, but I am anxious to depant...?
I had such a great day today.
I am getting better at not thinking ahead to the point where it interferes with my current enjoyement.
As we took the slope down Highway Two in Bigfork and caught the view of the silvery-grey lake and the familiar southern mountains I noticed in the background, I was not thinking about the plans later in the day. Parts of me wanted to cry. People and places tear me up. I love them all so, so much.
I am accepting melodrama as a choice rather than as anything else. They are lockers. Seriously now, it's all good. But I can certainly appreciate Petie exclaiming, �What was she thinking?!�
The buzz around those halls. Seeing him, he'll be in my English class? Cool. Her, the different hair?! Him, and him. Her. Bunches of different people that I don't care to mention beyond pronouns right now. It felt.. fresh. I hadn't been in that building for quite a while. Walking by Mr. O'Donnell's room, peering at the familiar floor I had strolled across so many times as I moved from one point to another. Uncountable points, so many. Knowing I have to make the most of it, and being so excited. Nick's right. Speech is about finding and embracing your identity in its own sacred way. That is so awesome. I could write an essay about that, I know it. How it feels to stand in front of those desks with their invisible occupants and give a vibrant speech, words streaming with the desire and determination to be eloquent, evokative. Passion flowing from the voice as I release it, finding a way to get interested and insightful about even the most mundane topics. I love impromptu.
I love Julian, too. I realize that a little more some days, like today. I love how we can share butterscotch chips, how he looks in a bathrobe, how he bowls. I love how he holds my umbrella, how we can manage conversation, how we can be so contemplative in the most obscure ways. I love when we walk together in the park, and how he dances. There is love, it is present.
He gave me his SAT books. He no longer needs them, unlike me. He got a 2290 and has no further use for them. I erase his answers and scratchmarks from the pages and consider his brilliance.
.....And also the potential for my own. I must study, and it must come from an understanding that it will lead me to my desires of succeeding.
I felt annoying during Taboo. I guess I couldn't help it. I felt myself being annoying, but it seemed like trying to alter that would be artificially efforted. I hope I wasn't as bad as how critical I impose upon myself.
I experienced ecstacy tonight. Adam is so incredibly awesome. I love how he sings. I don't want him to stop. I am going to pay for his gas money sometime and we are going to drive all over and he will sing to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack, and I will listen and laugh and smile so big because it makes me amazingly jovial. I don't think he knows of this plan, but that's okay. Adam, thank you for more than you know.
Pizza was awesome.
I had an aversion to the waiter, though. He was so casual in a way that I found to be peculiarly unlikeable. That's not worth mentioning though, ironically. I like Dan so much. �Wana-nana-nana nanana..� he says during bowling. He gets that it's a zen thing. What a great guy. He is so intelligent and kind. He's conventional, and sometimes speaks as if he were giving an impromptu/extemp speech, I thought today. And then I realized with happiness that it's actually the contrary. He gives impromptu/extemp speeches as if he were speaking with his friends, in the best sense possible. He has the best stare-out-the-window-at-passing-cars creepy face that I have ever seen. Yay!Food:
Pizza is curious (think Sean hissing about the Britney Spears perfume, hah) with artichoke hearts (<3) on it. Grits with brown sugar and butter!! Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, thanks Mom. I really, really love her. Rigatoni with riccota and mozzarella cheese and Ragu sauce. Yummm.Edward just called. He says he's not one for public affection, but it seems like girls like to be held and stuff. He says they were like that at our house because they were unsure of each other then. I am still allowed to have doubts about Julia. I am allowing myself that. Who wouldn't want to bead necklaces with me?
I am glad I we didn't go to the maze today. I did enjoy the dismal weather. Rainbow out Petie's window. Dan and Julian flipping us off as they sped ahead of us edging ninety. Getting strikes at bowling. A picture took of five forks in a mud pie. Petie tackling me. We put our heads together. A pink and lavendar sky. Badly breaking the triangle ball thing at pool. Lots of chiclets, leaving a quarter on the machine. The tiny tree that Adam liked. Sean thinking you can't drink in bars, his gestures and incorporated mannerisms in the game. Petie surprising me at my door, the best locker partner EVER. She's so kind and amiable with everyone, it's inspiring. Kitty love. Pictures. Knowing it was okay to deviate the link to Michael today. Be Our Guest.
..Feeling bad about letting those be little inside things that I don't elaborate upon because I am too lazy/don't have the proper words or expressions, and therefore not sharing them.
...Ben stopped by! I was so glad to see him. We (that's a picture of us taken last week) got to talk a little. I am excited for him and the prospect that he found someone who makes him happy! It's a good feeling.
I am happy for anyone who finds someone like that. I know how good it feels. That connection is awesome, so exclusive, almost like a special, smile-worthy secret. But secrets involve cohereant and concise-ness that can be expressed in words. The sensed enigma is different. It's nothing to be communicated, it is a sense, a feeling. And an incredible one at that. There is a special energy, it's own form and feel, involving comfort and giddiness. Sometimes I yearn for it. I think I can accept, though, that it is all a matter of time and circumstance. Congratulations. It will come, and again, to all of us.
I don't really care to do much of a better job recording all this. I know I don't need to.
I think we can make our lives enriching and deeply enjoyable by surrounding ourselves with people who provide us with happiness and understanding through their presence and identities. I try to do that. If there is one compliment I can thoroughly beseech unto myself, it is my choice of friends.
I'm really lucky and grateful that they like me back.
�Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, 'storms suck!'�
-Johnny Carson
The wind blows and stirs up a rukus. Drops of rain slide down the windows of cars as the passengers (well, at least me)look down at the shiny black roads. The sky changes incessantly; the morphing is its one onmipresent and consistent quality. I know I can make it all so profoundly- and perhaps falsely- grandiose. I am aware of my capabalities for misery and selfishness. But moreso, I know, I feel, I live-- in changing as the sky does. I will be all the good that I can. Whether the weather is dreary or bright, it will be always good.
�There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.�-Norman Mailer.
leesah-likes at 11:46 p.m.