2005-08-23
this august
I think I am in love with August. Edward once told me that he went out to eat with Aunt Krissy in Michigan and their waiter's name was August, and he was flamboyantly gay. I don't know why I remember that.
But this month. Gosh. It's really special. Steve (boss at work) mentioned today that Labor Day Weekend is depressing. I could not figure out why for myself. He explained that whence Labor Day arrives, summer is basically officially over.
I shall mourn its departure.
The road careened around each curve, carving its way through Lower Valley. The moon lingered in the distance, and the air was sweet with traces of honey in each cursory whiff I inhaled. My hands on the big round wheel, I listened. The music resonated through my ears as I was constantly aware of the surrounding darkness and presence of the stars. The sky is so vast, so big. It is a reminder that there is more to existence than pitiful little me with my cares and worries and desires. Yet, not in a demeaning way, it felt like so much more. Because I am a part of it all. This world, in all of its complexities and greatness, includes me. That is wonderful in itself.
I am capable of being less profound. A smile is worth more than a deep sigh, at least sometimes. The guys who asked for my number at work last night came in again today. I hid in the back until they left, they were icky. I need to smile more. The other guy kept talking to me when I was busy and liked my necklace. John was nervous as I gave him his ice cream, I could tell...? And then he dropped it. These are hints and traces. They are tiny nearly-justified clues that guys might actually find me attractive, like, �in that way.� I don't mean to be self-deprecating or desirous of flattery, but sometimes it is hard to find a well-founded place for self-confidence. I want a kiss, lips softly connecting and arms enclosing. Today at one point at work I noticed three generations of couples. There was an elderly twosome, then thirtysome yearolds, then Liz (she's an athlete) from my sophomore English class with her boyfriend (they are a really cute couple). All of these couples collaborated money to pay. And they weren't all mushy and romantic, just nice. Hum. This is the self-proclaimed girly paragraph. It makes little sense beyond the inner folds of my Beautiful Brain, and it ends now.
I need to feel the warm heat of the sun again on my bare skin before this all ends.
Vera mentioned today that I seem so independent and self-sufficient. She said I seem sure of what I like and what I do not, like I am consistent and solid. I don't know. I guess I am rather independent, compared to most people. I usually don't rely too much on others for my own happiness or wellbeing. I am so okay by myself. And the bliss, the bubblebathism.
Catlin is so cute. Personally, if I were I guy, I would be too intimidated and lazy to try to win her approval. She's just about the best. She is really, really great!
Memories will only haunt us- or me, if we- or I, let them.
�Cherish every moment.� The advice of Nick Malinak; the advice of a passing senior I greatly admire for his success, accomplishments, and identity while doing so. Nick was valedictorian. He is going to an incredible school. He greatly succeeded in speech, even if in less expected or conventional ways. Nick, who manages to be funny and goofy amidst steadfast sophistication and well-rounded intelligence about the world. I am going to paste bits and pieces from an enlightening conversation I once had with him below. I never really quite thought of Nick as someone that I look up to, but now I understand and I do. And I will remember what he said as I approach my own senior year.
I'm doing a lot of thinking.
About everything.
The lessons and wisdom that surrounds us everyday is beyond comprehension.
We must live lives that can let us understand as much of every pebble, every drop of water, every person as possible.
You have little more than a year left until your live changes more than every before.
Look toward that future, and find what you want to gain in the next.
Not goals, but meanings.
One year ago, I was about to leave on a college trip. Life was good, but...
In the past year I have learned more than I every could in academic ways, from text-books and lectures. It is not the content that is important, but the character.
You have wonderful opportunities ahead of you: great teachers, a wonderful school, and a great Speech and Debate program.
If you can use it, it can help you more than you ever imagined.
In many ways, but I have found a contentment with the world. Good and bad happens, but I have found my place in Kalispell. The future lies outside, with new adventures and challenges that I can only hope can change me a fraction of the way that I did last year.
Great things have happened to me, although they may not have seemed so at first.
The Yale deferral and the entire college application process have helped me define where I have been and where I am going.
The political activities (election, school bond, Kala, etc.) have shown my why we all are so important.
And Speech and Debate has helped me discover the WHO of myself.
It's strange to think of in these terms, but not making finals in extemp may have been the best thing that ever happened for me in Speech and Debate.
It let me see what was truly imporant, and the wonder that I already had around me.
i DID walk around the school while we waited for the coaches, and realized that while I actually placed lower, I had gained so much.
I have yet to look at my ballots from that tournament, and I don't know if I ever will, if I ever NEED to .
Now I am wondering how impromptu went if I went from 8th to 3rd, however, but spoke from the heart, and that is what matters.
It took me a while to understand, and I still work on it.
I can go to Dartmouth, Middlebury, Grinnell, Amherst, Georgetown, Lewis and Clark, George Washington, Puget Sound, Franklin and Marshall, Lawerence, American, or Haverford...but Princeton and Yale still top the list.
If I get into neither, it will take a while to accept, but I HOPE that I can use it like I did at state, and if so, it can provide more than 4 years at either school ever could.
I have many wonderful options, I KNOW that, and now I must work to BELIEVE that.
Have a good night, and i hope for the best for your future.
Petie told me that our August shall not see school. And that this is the shortest duration school will be for us, as we get a week off for gradutating. YUSSSS. The ways that girl knows how to make me happy are endless.
I've had this song stuck in my head tonight. �..Cause I have found All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade... away... again. It's too far away for me to hold too far away...� It's called �Shimmer and it's by Fuel.
She dreams a champagne dreamgood song.
Strawberry suprise,
pink linen on white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies,
reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools that fall behind,
And I'm somewhere between
Never really know
�The Forty-Year-Old Virgin� is a funny movie. Gross, but funny! And a bit soporiffic. That might have just been me. Yawn.
I guess I like Armor for Sleep, I didn't know that!
The Great Gatsby is a weird novel. Some of the writing is beautiful, but complicated. I don't want to decipher it. I am too tired.
Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and all the things you do... August is a great month. I'll enjoy it while I can.
leesah-likes at 12:32 a.m.