2005-08-14
why not
Tonight was fun. I enjoyed work. I enjoyed myself and those around me. I liked it.
As I pulled my work shirt over my head, I smelt him. I caught an eerily familiar and particular scent of my exboyfriend. I'm not sure where it came from, and I would be fibbing if I said I didn't go back for another sniff. It was upon this night last year that magic continued to start for me and Vinnie. I am allowing myself to remark upon that, and then moving on, because that is what I shall do.
We both thought it was sweet that it was Friday the thirteenth when we found ourselves so lucky. The stars were marvelous as we sat upon his car hood and gazed upward, nervously glancing at each other to our sides every once in a while, maintaining steady yet subdued conversation. My hand lost its feeling and I mentioned it, which lead to it being held in his. For the first time, I felt desired. Really wanted, like him holding my hand was a sought pleasure. It was beautiful in so many ways. The stars urged us on in our unsure sense of giddiness. Yeah, it was magic.
Magic fades, that�s all I really have to say about it now. It�s an entire year later. So much has happened, and I am now a bigger and better person, and all that there was between us made me even moreso. It�s swell and I�m glad it happened, and that I am more now.
Today I went to the park. I wanted to absorb all the sun would offer me, let it penetrate my skin and instill the warmth to a deeper place within, somewhere I could covet it and release it as best I may, allowing it to endure. Sort of like how Carson eats ice cream, miniscule yet satisfying tiny bites as a time.
As I lay there and it hit my face, three people approached me. They told me they had just finished some sort of class and wanted to offer people words of encouragement. They asked if they could do so for me, and I politely complied. They told me that first off the fact that I had agreed after they had already been turned down by three other people at the park said something about me, that I was open and considerate. They then went on to try to tell me things they saw in me. I felt like it was a bit of a guessing game, I mean, they don�t know me at all yet they were trying to point out encouraging things about me. I remember when they approached me they had said something like, �we saw that you are alone.�
Yes. I am alone. I am here by myself, lying on this blanket, trying and succeeding I guess at being alone yet not lonely. I�m never not that sure when I have succeeded.
Then they told me things. I�m trying to remember. That may be ironic because it was probably stuff like �you seem to be a good listener,� but I know it wasn�t, I would have remembered that. No, they said that I seem very kind and polite, and that I seem like a leader. That people look to me. They said that I seem open to things, yet try to maintain an understanding of what already is. I seek the truth, yet accept and explore the present.
It was all such speculation. Every sentence, compliment, would start with �you seem like.� They were just really finding ways to say nice and hopefully accurate things. One of them, in trying to scope me out, asked a question before she said her thought.
�Can I just ask, have you been going through difficult times lately?�
Immediately my mind flashes to my past relationship, sadly so, and I wanted to say that well things all seem great, and I�m sure they are, but I am struggling to fully appreciate it due to an enduring sense of loss. But I don�t. I let this initial and natural reaction absorb itself to nothing in my sense of strength and crouching integrity. I tell her no, things are actually pretty good right now, and I feel content.
�Oh ok, then I won�t say what I was going to then,� she whisks it gently away with a gesture.
...What does that mean...? Why am I reading into it? I�m not really, but even typing it out is doing so in a way. It inevitably would have been something kind anyway.
I appreciated what they said and told them that and that I thought no harm could come of it when they commended me for allowing them to do it.
I liked the ways our eyes met before I left for work. I want to let him know how much I enjoy his company, but I�m not sure how. Maybe I laugh at too many things that he says. I just find him exceedingly funny. I don�t know why I�m typing about Julian right now. It just sort of came out.
I have been getting to know my body better lately. I find places and accept them and begin to comprehend that they are mine. Soft parts and firm places curve into one another. The skin is smooth and real, I can feel it. All the contours without any straight parts besides the bottom of the foot. Delicate bones, prominent muscles that can be flexed. Elongated, cradled. Tender. Gliding down from behind the ear to the brim of the shoulder, the best journey on my skin. Hasn�t been traveled in a long time. Enjoying your own body- or at least trying to yet once again not knowing if you have succeeded- is just different.
I wonder how many times when I am in a seemingly deep conversation with someone that the other person just says something like �uh huh� and not really know what I mean.
The sounds of their voices was so beautiful. The angelic tones blended in a very un-blenderlike fashion. A blender chops and sloppily shoves its contents together. These divine sounds were comprised of voices gently combined to form a deep sense of feeling. My ribcage rose with them as I thought of it ever so poetically in my mind. What a beautiful song.
I don�t think I�ve ever met someone so compassionate toward others. his kindness amazes me. Especially how natural it comes to him. Caring for people and doing things he thinks will make them better is just part of the way he works. That, if anything is beautiful. What a kind heart. I am entirely glad I know him, in a gigantic understatement. And he would feel odd if he realized I was writing about him so. Sorry for making you feel odd, I didn�t mean it, just take it and go with it and know I truly believe it all.
The stars are marvelous. I only momentarily glanced up at them today, knowing that they were and accepting it. But looking at the stars is never for needing proof that this is true. It�s not. I just didn�t really. And I missed the sunset.
I watched Sleeping Beauty tonight. And I felt enamored.
I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you do
You love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream
I am Lisa. I am real, I am true, I am trying, funny, intelligent, insightful, simultaneously naive and cynical, caught up in things, mindful, considerate, lazy, observant, hopeful, nostalgic, a moper, a dreamer, a romantic, a writer, a thinker, an overthinker, a poet, a listener, a friend. I know of time. Tomorrow is already here. The days continue and they pass, and the constant thing about life, besides perpetual love, is that it goes on.
leesah-likes at 1:01 a.m.