2005-08-10
if you weren't real, i would make you up
when i walked to the park today, i saw it with newborn eyes. it was all new, as if it were a woodland that i had never known. i looked at the virgin paths like i had never visited them before.
i pretended not to observe from my own view.
there would be glimpses of past experiences everywhere i would look. i am so good at embracing those. instead i believed they had never happened, as if i were anywhere, and anyone. it wasn't about my incredible memories with people i know and my reactions and associated emotions therein. it was someone walking in the park and enjoying doing so, and i just happened to be that person.
it could have been michigan. i knew nothing,
i couldn't bias any of it and taint it with preconceptions and selfish associations, ways in my mind i could unecessarily connect it back to me.
those houses, racing past all of them, thinking deeper into the suburban lives, yet trying not to feel bashful about yelling to songs in joy as i rode on. that scooter is so awesome. i killed it a few times, meaning i used up the full battery. nicely done. unobserved sunsets, yet felt.i want to be a bit more detatched in a way that i am not familiar with. being vivid is so good, but i wish for my form of it to be altered. i will always be alive and i will always feel; it comprises me and may even define me. but i do not have to feel in the ways that i do. with my browning shoulders exposed, i don't even really have any sleeves to wear my emotions upon. my face is bad at lying anyway.
if i were only mature and content enough with myself not to be susceptible to others. and that is odd to say, because i suppose objectively that i am not even considerably vulnerable. i don't know why some people like eric and sean and katy don't seem to want to know me better, and i'm not supposed to let it affect me.
i want to find a way to make my truth real.
that is a strange thing to assert, but it applies. my truth, as it morphs in my mind, needs to go into effect. i don't want to offend, and consequently i hesitate to explain, any of it. how i feel enlightened (that could be reworded to sound even more knowing: �how enlightened i feel�). pity is useless and unfair- no one wants pity and it is awfully condescending at times. be objective instead, and accept the assumed pity-worthy subject rather as something you do not wish to adopt yourself. i mean me, myself. i won't put this out in the second-person to make it a tad less direct, yet i don't know if it's self-talk either. i won't pity, but i will know it is not my truth.happiness is the most important thing in the world.
i support this as my ribcage area swells a little as i type it and a smirk appears on my face. i yearn for no more depth, and somehow feel on the edge of verging tears thinking about how good things feel and are right now. it's not always this great. but in this moment, i can appreciate it. there's not anything beyond this, nothing more or better. it's the superlative with that stupid prime rating and the whole spectrum of life comparisons kicked out from underneath it. i don't know if this is letting go or going with the flow, and i won't bug myself with such thoughts right now. at this moment i am the best version of myself that i have ever been. best, superlative, ugh, i wish i had a better way to express it."....ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew. I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are
With who ever they're there with..."
the warmth is so prevalent, and the sources of heat are infinite.
leesah-likes at 1:42 p.m.