2005-07-09
i matter
there resides injustifiable and inexplicable unfufillment within me.
i can't describe it well, either. it is most certainly not desired, but i can't phase it, can't do anything about it. like a helpless cause.
bad things happen when i force happiness. like people call me fake and such. i can't try to feel better, it just doesn't work and people see right through it.
expectations can be fatal. they kill any hopeful joy, even the most diminuitive subconscious ones can do damage. i need to release myself.
bubblebathism was fleeting yet a sense of it was present for a millisecond as i lay on a hammock and looked upward (vaguely reminiscent of coco key [pronounced "cay"] at the bahamas just four months prior. wow.. four months). sadly enough, i could not give up. the will just was not there. i don't know what's wrong. but i know i can't fix it. every thing must take its due course.
i feel like crying. my parents have been difficult lately. so have i. the person i am vaguely interested in seems to not reciprocate at all, and that is hard. he's pretty indifferent. it's amazing how nice even just to brush up against an arm can feel. that is so dumb but i know it is true. i don't know. i want him to know i can be great, because i am pretty sure i can be. it's all so stupid. like how people try to make something out of nothing. how do we all start? how do his eyes light up and become more alert like that when he sees her car pull up? how can her smile be so relaxed? how is everyone else talking and seem okay and everything? how does that work?
i couldn't force it. i can't. i can't explain this dry crying feeling. my parents are irrationally over-protective. i feel alone when i am not. i don't know whether to be assertive and confident or more feeble and contemplative. i can't find a middle ground. i just want to be me, but sometimes i get lost in the complexity of my own identity. lord, that sounds so pretentious. screw it.
there were things i didn't like. you would be surprised how easily irritated i can get. some of the things don't even make sense to me. sensitivity washes over me like a tide, it's ridiculous. i feel very self-conscious of it all, but not in a selfish way, rather with a very detatched sense. i didn't feel like talking. i had nothing to say.
sometimes the mouth feels so heavy. like a smile takes an incredible amount of effort. the face stiffens. i can't move it very well right now. and no, i haven't recently had a botox injection.
i feel like clarissa. i miss lizz. kristine and i should just talk forever about how much simpler things used to be, before boys were barely even a speculative concept. i don't know. i really don't.
ever feel like no one has the right impression of who you really are? like, people can generally have an idea and be in the ballpark, but no one truly sees you for what you are, all of it. you could arguably say that would be impossible, or undesired. but i want it. see me for what i am. know me. i want to be known, to be understood, to be empathasized with.
i need some new music.
i need to feel nourished. i must not be eating well enough. i am not presenting myself accurately, either. that must be a mark of a true person of merit as well, if they can accurately display a representation of who they really are or how they are feeling (i realize those two things can be vastly different). i'm a bit bad at it.
there's a memory of a window, looking through i see you, searching for something i could never give you, and there's someone who understands you more than i do, a sadness i can't erase, all alone, on your face.
i didn't write that. it's song lyrics that come to mind.
i wish i could change things. maybe i am a control freak. i wish i could make this entry better. it's not very interesting.
it's like the drab grey sky. I Am Overcast.
i want to sleep for a thousand years. last night, i impromptu'ed a valedictorian speech, shook harrison ford's hand, and held handle with the currently appealing boy. vinnie wasn't there, i don't think, but his family might have been since they came in for ice cream yesterday so therefore i thought of them. i get a bit nervous or awkward when i see them. i just try to smile. i suppose it makes sense.
I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me
more lyrics. these from a good nirvana song playing in my head.
i think i'll just sign off for the night. the dry crying feeling remains. "I want you to be happy so badly, because when you're not, it makes it seem like things really are as bad as I think they are." i know. i really do.
i need to soak up a sunset.
for the brilliant light to shine so radiantly and wash out the blanched grey within me. the sky needs to light up so i can be reminded that there are things out there so much greater and vast than myself, yet i am a part of in and i must somewhere, someplace, Matter. i Am matter. i Do matter. i just wanna be where i sun shines down, so warm on my face and slowly slipping into my soul, like honey pouring its way into me with an incredible sense of life and joyous heat. sunset, i need you. i want to suck in the light and absorb it. please. goodnight.leesah-likes at 12:02 p.m.