2005-06-25
dis and mm
something makes me feel different from all the rest.
i could be so wrong, and i can't even explain it.
there are theories out there that everyone feels a little sense of discontentedness within them.
and that everyone feels disconnected from everyone else in some way.
maybe i should just start from the top...
but i'm not entirely sure where that is.
i am not like other girls.
within that statement resides both discontentedness and disconnection. dis. surely there are plenty of ways in which we are alike. i was just also astounded by all the differences that i recognized, especially today.
to hell with the top.
as we walked back from the bench and over to vera's car (which she reparked for our convenience, and not just so we didn't have to walk..), j. suggested that we "strut." she meant it jokingly, only not. the guys in the nice truck were only twemty feet away, and we were walking in their direction.
the hilarity of the situation really got to me, and not just in some cynical, elitist way. i guess i can't explain it. i laughed, they later claimed that i "snorted." i don't know, it was a deep inhale between laughter, just me-style. d. and j. were not impressed with the guys, either.
how many times can we drive by and you yell "heyyy" at us and tell us to come back and then we do and you're pathetic?
this all most be confusing. i'm rather incomprehensible right now, especially since i feel like i have something to say.
we had a fun girl day, a really fun girl day, which we semi-tried to change into a "guy" day, unsuccessfully. that's a lot of double consonants.
a normal girl might not mention it.
i know they're sweet. i know they're good girls, with good intentions, who just want to have some fun. and i totally support that, especially as shown by tonight. it just felt so wrong.
they have been kissed by so many boys.
my record isn't nearly as impressive.
but d. has never had her breath taken away, j. has never been laughed at in joy just for saying something that he could just so blissfully appreciate and revel in hearing.
this isn't fair. those are vast presumptions. but i've had both wonderfully fufilled.
i don't know, i just don't. but i do know i am not going to meet my next potentially incredible boyfriend by cruising main and having him shout and me because i'm "hot."
.. or by attending a punk rock show (barely at that) at a tattoo parlor.
yeah, we were boy-hunting tonight. tough luck.
as unnormal of a girl as i am, as unnormal of a boy i will need. someone who can intelligently discuss things with me, and have a deep conversation about our lives yet happily enjoy the small details and stories that wonderfully comprise them (um, bad pronoun placement, but i think you got it).
i don't feel above it.
but, really, kind of beside it.
i don't know why i can't explain this better. it's just a sense of disconnection.
they have never had what i did. they don't know. they've had tastes, licks- quite litterally- but never similar to my experiences. i have an understanding of what i could be with, and i don't see it, anywhere. not at lawrence park with a bunch of guys who cruise by and mutter at us, not at honks or waves from across the street.
we just live in different ways.
i won't praise your god and live by his ways, but don't pass me the marijuana either. don't stick your hand up my shirt, but don't be afraid to hold my hand in yours. don't listen to country, but don't listen to hiphop, either. don't get c's, but don't be anal about your grades (at least not more than i am, which is possible). where is the fucking middle ground with this stuff?!
i lived differently today, in some sense, than i have in a long time. i am a good, innocent girl. pure. my knowledge of that does not taint it, the fact remains.
and being such, i will either....
need to be corrupted to the point that i abandon the aforementioned state-of-being, or meet a corresponding young man who is also good, innocent, and pure.
...or stay the way i am now, me with myself, and really good that way. that sounds like a really viable option.
i felt so good today. i got a beautiful burn. my skin is smooth and warm to the touch. it stings a little, but in a good way if you can imagine that.
well, i hope you can imagine that, whomever you are. please don't forget how beautiful imaginations can be.
petie's lashes, freckles. good, delicious brownies. lucy's brown skin. d's comments and ambivalent sense of humor toward approaching guys. painting toenails. averting eyes from quincy. feeling good in my own skin amdist a moshpit. the boa constrictor snake. watching the fingers strum the basses and guitars, hands becoming a blur as the shouting ensues. buttercups. laying in the sun. the girl on the movie said she liked the guy because he was a mess. liking someone because they are a mess?! intruiging idea. you'll lay in the grass with your shirt undone, sweat dripping down your spine. i'll wake after a deep sleep and we'll make love. sunscreen. make your fantasies unreal. j. opened up some more. the vast coloured sky, later scattered with stars.
i feel so real.
i know who i am. and i like the person. she can be fidgety and too busy trying to be busy, too concerned with what she does not have, too loud, too blunt, too self-centred, etc.... but she's in the right place and has a good mind. at least i think my mind is good.. hrmmm.. that would make sense.. weird.. i might need an outside opinion on this!
life beckons. constantly. imagine the hand if you must, calling you forward, onward.
there is so much life to be lived. breaths to be had, and taken away through incredible experiences. there are people to be met (did you know that you never meet someone only once?). smiles to be smiled. i'll find and have those, i know it.
this is summer: endearingly hopeful, and brightly warm. "summer" has a suggestively unsure "um" in it, but it also just has the classic enjoyable "mm" in it. mmmmmmmm. summer. yum. have a good time!
leesah-likes at 12:17 p.m.