2005-06-21
soulstice
today was the summer solstice. this means that it is the longest day of the year (has the most sunlight) and marks the official beginning of summer.
there couldn't be better news for me.
today was the first day, i'm starting all over again.
it felt so to lay out in the sun. i wasted away the plugged-in version of �in your honor,� just laying there in the grass at woodland. i could feel sweat tricking through the hairs on my scalp, i really liked that. my skin was shiny and smooth, that was fun too. the penetration of the sun's heat makes me feel alive, albeit exhausted. i don't feel in drain my energy, perhaps it infuses me with more, but in a tranquil, conscious sense. i feel the contradiction there, but i can't improve it.
my summer needs to stop being about what i do.
Believe�me,�if�all�those�endearing�young�charms, ���
Which�I�gaze�on�so�fondly�today,
Were�to�change�by�tomorrow,�and�fleet�in�my�arms, ���
Like�fairy-gifts�fading�away,
Thou�wouldst�still�be�adored,�as�this�moment�thou�art, ���
Let�thy�loveliness�fade�as�it�will,
And�around�the�dear�ruin�each�wish�of�my�heart ���
Would�entwine�itself�verdantly�still.
Thomas Moore wrote that, and I like it. endearing young charms. like how peoples' eyes light up when they smile. mine haven't sparkled in a while. lost touch; real-ly and figureative-ly.
the initial shock of the water is awesome. you don't know what to think- your mind has nothing on it for that little spectacular instant. how many moments in your life are like that!? such an intense feeling of heightened existence, the senses are amplified. an orgasm, a stab in the heart? life is lived between and during these moments where you just so incredibly
feel.
just being alive.
whenever i feel blue, i just start to breathe again.
maybe that has some validity. keep breathing. today i laughed, felt like people liked having me around, sexy as i lay in the sun by myself, exstatic at the initial shock of water, important, and more. i felt lots.
i felt alive.
i don't want to try too hard, don't want to try not to try to hard, don't want to want. okay, good. we'll start with that.
stop looking. everywhere you go, it's so damn stupid. you look. stop.
give life the opportunity to be spiteful, if it wants to.
wimbledon again. i watch it every year, like a tradition. traditions like this bring back feelings.
what about fourth of july this year? i'm up for anything. i mean...
how often does the sky blossom?!
i like to suck jello through a straw.
floating docks are cool. i have a second cousin named Dimitra who lives in grosse point, michigan. she is a year younger than me. i haven't seen her for a few years now. man, i wonder how she is. it's so odd how people �turn out,� how they become tainted or corrupted or even just their �same old selves.� she could be anything now.
anyway, we went to the floating dock at Debrovah in the paddle boat. there are water lillies there, and it is warm but nice to swim in. her mother, svetlana, and my mother (they were cousins of nearly the same age) nadia used to go there as children.
sometimes i wonder about my mother's childhood. she had a best friend, oh i forgot her name (started with an �a,� aleona or something?), and was in both of her weddings. funny also how people drift. some day i might not even know the people i do now. will i forget them? will they forget me? like zandria in first grade, or dustin kent in fourth, whitney baird, chris frolander, random people who i knew... will i remember them? will it matter? they don't matter to me? weird! i mean, amy dropped out. lindsy and i never talk. huh.
i don't think i would like snape, either, but potions are a compelling concept. like it would allow you to decide what's real. would it be real?
i should go to the movies. is there something to see? star wars, i suppose, with anyone who wants to go. in the most honest sense: getting in the movies for free will still cost me something. like, my okayness. hrumphf. i want to sit there in the cool darkness and forget about everything outside the big room for an hour or two. not so poetic, but an interesting experience nonetheless. where else do you do this?
i like thinking that way about things, and how it comes to be naturally. like ice cream, and the cone, how you eat the container of the food and that's pretty cool. and the rainbows, and the moon. yes, i am pretty sure that i like me. i can be screwy around people and have trouble in presenting myself, but i am still good and true.
okay, so i liked my first day of summer. great weather, that helps. good start, but i suppose it doesn't matter. no hopes, no cutie pies, okay?! me. that's swell.
change is fun. i'm not talking about clinking pockets. people neglect that of change- it's exciting because it's different. a new mold or set of tracks can be uncomforting, but the prospect of something fresh can also be quite compelling.
new season. here's to it!
leesah-likes at 11:51p.m.