2005-06-18
pulp non-fiction
http://www.letrascanciones.org/foo-fighters/in-your-honor/razor.php speaks. it is beautiful. it is sweet that dave grohl is married to a girl named Lisa.
the first week of summer has passed. it was fine. i still feel like everything that i experience blends together into some pulp that is undefined. jumping in foys with adam, getting a big smile, aaron's musings, katy's words and text message pressing, jamie and the swans- him beforehand, thomas and pizza- and even more. nights reading the fifth harry potter over again and trying so hard to sleep with good, serene, reasonable thoughts in mind. haircut, jogs, late mornings. i'm in some sort of daze. i've been thinking, i think it is good for me. i am more calm than you may have imagined. this is all real, no real. no fiction, even trying to deplete my head of that.
maybe that is why i am sad.
or it could be because some of the people i count on are gone. it's a dry crying feeling. i don't like writing entries like this, i really do not. but maybe i can type it all out and never read it again and be reminded of how i felt not-good.
there is nothing i can or will do about it. it's like the fucking spring fling.
yeah, that dry crying. the tears wouldn't come for this, but emptiness ensues. i miss petie so, so much. i knew we could be friends like this when i very first met her, long before we had any idea how our fates were undertwined. petie is so comfy and strong. i feel i understand her, but not at all in some presumptuous way. but when she speaks, or looks or acts, i feel i know what she means. i LOVE her. i love how she smiles and sings and knows how things are. we are so compatible and it just works. no one has a more tender heart and resilient spirit.
i don't know why i have to try to type it out like that, because i could never really do it right. but it makes me feel better for trying.
not having julian around is hard too. i love his antics and the things we talk about. he doesn't judge me, not any more, or doesn't treat me like he does. we do the same things, and his perspective is so refreshing, and random. constantinople. he told jarrett once that he had diabetes. i don't know. i just don't. i like it when he smiles. he's not here.
i shouldn't talk about people like this. it comes off as sappy and self-pitying. i hate it when i come off in ways that i am not. but i guess i really am.. it would be in the eye of the beholder. it's just that this people business is difficult.
loneliness is a killer. it kindof withers away at my soul in a completely non-dramatic way. nothing is dramatic when you are lonely, because there is no opportunity for it to be dramatic (unless you create it all in your head and that is messed up). loneliness is a more matter-of-fact (not fiction) experience and state-of-being. like i am here, by myself, with no one else around. and it's dull and sad because nothing happens and i don't feel good like this.
it's tough to explain. i don't think i put it right. i mean, i enjoy my me-time as much as the next person. it can be good and really soothing. but lately it has left something to be desired. like arms around me, or a pair of ears to listen with matching eyes to understand, or a mouth to laugh, etc.
i guess when it comes down to it, i desire this obscurely-desired body parts. sure. that's it. that must be all i'm saying here.
i'm bad at this right now. maybe i'll try again later. i just hate being alone i guess.
leesah-likes at 11:20 p.m.