2005-05-21
trillium
people are paradoxes within themselves. each person, a life, something lived and thought and felt. i don't want to underestimate us, humans, in our fleeting happiness or dwelling pain. it all exists within us in such oxymoronic ways, somehow simultaneously under and over whelming. i am somehow letting myself feel unfufilled, despite everything within my life. and i can't comprenhend why. is it because i don't have a hand in mine, still transfixed on some stupid concept of security that has eluded me, some kind of dimension i imagined myself in when i was one of two? what if that was my underlying reason for it all? fuck questioning it, somehow it can't matter, probably because it shouldn't. i just want to be whole. all of me, right here right now. whole and good. wholesomely good. i rely too much on the outside. look within damnit. don't let school work ravage your soul.
i've been looking outward way too much. maybe it's because i am afraid what is within. i don't know when i'll be ready to, when i'll stop being lonely when i am by myself at night looking up at the moon and endlessly pondering undefined desires. i don't think i have time to look within, not now. not with all of this. i need my one big last push. i'll create my own motivation, i must. i can.
i want to know what i can do. this is a general outcry! which is funny, because i probably wouldn't accept any input. the best thing to do is probably to just go for/with it. i mean, this "life" thing, it goes on as long as we have it (guhhh really?). this looks like it's all about me wanting to be in a relationship, but that's only for those who do not know how to read it. life isn't making much sense. i think i got the basics, but then you bring people and feelings and relevance/application boundaries into it and it's all very complex. i think life is either simply put or quite intricate with little ambiguous gray zone.
relationships are a matter of two people being lucky, in some sense. two people finding a mutual connection and interest within each other, under similar conditions and logistics. the Right everything. maybe i'll be more whole-ish (whole-y? holy?! tehe) when i just live and wait. i need to share me. wait, i mean, "want" to. sure.
screw the boyfriend idea, please it's starting to seem pathetic even though i'm not getting it across in a way that properly conveys how i feel. i don't care much about love right now, caring about it is a waste of time which i can ill afford. the act of loving itself: there will always be time for that.
with love, lisa
leesah-likes at 11:37 p.m.