2005-05-17
raditude
buddies don't lay on the couch like that. he seems content and falsely himself, in a way that suggests something more. i don't know her, so i can't say that i like her. but she reminds me of my aunt krissy and how she talks.
i can kind of see the sunset as i work. someone today told me that i was sweet, and i said i have to be because i serve ice cream.
leesah the single girl. leesah not girlfriend material. how does that sound? does it matter how it sounds? how about this: leesah, what literary elements are you using for your external assessment on two works of this semester? there is a better question.
if i had a million dollars...
hola, companeros. voy a hacer el pudin para nosotros. ugggggh.
i am just getting tired of life. it's not necessarily that difficult, and it's not like i don't have enough to do. it's the attitude. i am starting to realize this more and more. sometimes it is not about what something actually is, but what it seems to be. i used this example with julian as we sat under a canopy of trees and talked. what if a girl walked past us, a girl that usually takes walks the way that we do and she was whimsy and pretty and lovely and the type of girl that was right for julian, and the type that would like him. what if she kept walking because she would see the boy and girl together and assume? and then julian would possibly miss out on his opportunity to be with someone like that. this isn't too far-fetched, really it isn't, and it's just one example that doesn't even demonstrate what i mean very well. we create our own realities. as outsiders to situations, we don't really understand what may actually be going on. but we draw our own conclusions and base our thoughts on something on the limited knowledge that we have. it's all we really can do.
but to the attitude part. how i mentioned that what something seems is essentially what it is, at least to us. well, imagine the perspective on each day. i've noticed this. sometimes, especially lately, i can have two very similiar consecutive days when it comes to routine, occurences, and events. however, the days can be vastly different in how i approach them. some days people ask me if i am ok in a tentative voice. other days people seem a little taken aback by my voice and wide eyes. it all depends. on what? how i am feeling. i'm not always sure where that in itself originates, but it has a tremendous impact on my day.
it's amazing to consider how much of our life is based off of the insides of our own minds. what is life to you? this is not a question you answer by looking outward. at least i don't think so.
so attitudes. they take energy. some effort. and even then it doesn't exactly work. take last weekend, i had to just get outside during the dance. i was trying so hard to relieve myself of my expectations and just have a good time. admist painful sensitivities and a falsified sense of being carefree, i was trying too hard to have a good attitude. i stood out there looking at the moon and thought of what i was trying to do in being upbeat (aha, ha) and optimistic about it all, and i had to continually self-talk myself by muttering not to cry. i don't know what the problem was. i can't believe how immature i felt. suddenly so inept. going from being a confident and stable and (FUN) girlfriend for over half a year a few months ago to being some naive crusher who can barely manage a few words in her bashfulness. something went very wrong within my mind, and even consciously trying to alter it did not work.
so the proper (ok maybe not right, but let's perhaps say "self-pleasing"?) attitude is sporadic, not quite successful when forced, and has an immense effect on the perspective of the day, and therefore the actuality of the day itself. i don't know where to take this. i just want to have a good attitude. to remember and find the energy to implement an outlook favorable to my own happiness, and yet one that is not forced. a rad attitude. raditude.
yo tengo treinta y ocho dolares ahora de me trabajo. yo quiero manajar contigo. gracias. yo estoy muy intelligente, si si.
i don't us all to get sick of each other, friends. i like you all. sorry when you don't like me, but i understand. i'll dream about some of you. i used to be big on having lusty dreams and like yay, maybe i'll dream something like that tonight, but now i'd rather just see you guys there and have a platonically great time. this is not meant to be creeeepy, sooorry. you too, turtle named aladdin. what are you? please email some time.
tomorrow is hump day. have a good one! ;)
leesah-likes at 10:57 p.m.