2005-04-28
today
I must somewhere contain within me the divine ability to realize that today is so exquisitely unlike the rest. When the sun rose this morning, reminding me of a flower, that it was another chance to begin once more. I could look ahead without hopelessly wanting when I am away and then seeing now worthless it is when I am near. I thought school was the problem but as I realized yesterday on the grass, that is not it. It is a matter or being near or far. By how great idea looked from a distance, but then place it there and it is so very sad and weak. There is no destination, there can't be.
This song is on the cd that Thom made for me. It gets stuck in my head, which is lovely. Especially the key line. You won't and don't know the key line unless you listen to the song. Sometimes I need to just shout. Or to ask why, why, why over and over again, scream it and then grin as I realize the answer has nothing to do with me. I could never be more happy to not be involved. It never was about me anyway.
Contrary to the usually-accepted idea, I believe that giving up (in the way that normal people mean it, not my way), is one of the hardest things to do. People say it's so easy. Just throw up your arms and careless mutter the three restless words, "I give up." It's a concession, a surrender, and people are glad to do it and release whatever strenuous activity they are choosing to no longer do. It's a relief to let it go and just stop. Aw, I give up. That's a good feeling, because you're done, and that's it. Someone teach me how to do this, especially when it comes to something that I know can exist in reality (because it has before).
If this world lived off "maybe"s and "it's possible"s and "i hope so"s and "if only"s, it would be a much different place. I could have what I unconsciously convinced myself I wanted on Saturday night as I dreamt. And other similiar miracles would happen to worldwide, and the act of joy would be pummeled a little as things became less precious in their lack of rarity.
I look around me at these people and I wonder what they want in life. Your desires greatly define who you are, do you realize that? And I wonder if they deserve it and who's to say and if they'll get it and if what they want might coincide with what I want or if I could happily and truly give them what they want or if there is some way we can help each other find it like friends do/can. This world is filled with people yearning for their somethings. The difference between those who are happy and those who are not is that the happy ones have what they want and the not-happy ones want what they do not have.
Happiness is the most important thing in the world. Even more than seeking some truth. Maybe you cannot seek it. But you can look around and find the reasons to smile. That's what I did. I looked around at my lovely friends and family and life and aspirations and accomplishments and knew there were reasons to smile. I have a deep appreciation for life and all I have taken and created from it. Ok, so the reasons are there. But the smile isn't, not quite.
And I wish I could truly say, "I'll work on it," just like I usually do when I am confronted with a lapse. But this time I really can't. I can nudge it along a little sometimes, but when I start forcing it I start really disliking the person I am. I don't know what else I can do. I love the reasons. Thank you beyond words for these reasons.
I wrote a poem yesterday, and it's not good, but I believe in the best type of poetry, that's never the point. It is to be able to solidify my "feelings." Don't you think the word "feelings" is essentially quite dumb and juvenile sounding in a way? You feel, and then tack on a good ol' "ing" and you've got a dainty noun, "feelings." Like smellings or seeings or soundings (?) or tastings, only it's feelings. Well, whatever to that. I'll go ahead and type some of it up, chopping off the last half because I can, and because this is MY diary and as always, I can put what I want on it (luckily I make good decisions).
if there is a word to say,
i don't know it.
if only i could act,
i wouldn't show it.
If I knew my time,
I wouldn't waste it.
If I could have another try,
I'd taste it.
If I could find out,
I'd do it.
Tell me honestly even if I cry,
Just see to it.
i decided to call it "give up," because that is the subject matter (in you normal people way). I have to get that toothpaste for dinner shirt pertaining to this.
Someone needs to explain to me what apotheosis is and how it applies to everything. It was explained to me once before, but lost in context.
Today is the greatest day I've ever known, can't wait for tomorrow, I might not have that long, I'll tear my heart out before I get out.. pink ribbon scars that never forget I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets my angel wings were bruised and restrained..
What's up with that, world?! Give me liberty and it gives me death?! I don't think so, Patrick Henry would be so ashamed of me and how could I live like that?!? I want my bubblebathism. Yesterday I was thinking in my head "it's been too long since I last attained bubblebathism" and then I got disappointed with myself because that sounded so Eastern-Religion/Philosophy-ish. Bubblebathism is Western, as in, Mon-tan-ah western, done leesah-esque. Oh low I long for it. I almost got it in English class the other day for about 5 seconds, it was on its way until I looked around and then ugh. Remember my flippancy, and even how this was noted above? Bubblebathism is the neigh remaining factor of my life to defy it. Almost. I Don't Know.
If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love and what I must do. If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says when she says she loves me... you should hear me sing. Not this, but other things. My voice isn't shrill, but it is only solid when I absolve it. Listen to me when you have the opportunity, which is probably never.
That made me more angry today than it should have. I was not staring. I was gazing in the most polite way. I don't understand his underlying cruelty/carelessness toward me, but I don't need to. I'll burn my eyes out...
It is remarkable how this entry has evolved into something so long-winded. I'm not sure how that happened, but I think it is time to stop typing and start living. Please do the same, and count me in. Today is the greatest, and that statement will somehow apply tomorrow.
leesah-likes at 5:26 p.m.