2005-04-17
zen garden
I read the stupidest quotation today. "A happiness that is sought for ourselves alone can never be found; for a happiness that is diminished by being shared is not big enough to make us happy." -Thomas Merton, American poet and author (1915-1968)
I dislike that quote for numerous reasons. And if I had to give an impromptu speech on it, I'd just go all off about my life and how I dislike semicolons and everything I have learned in my ripe seventeen years of reasons to smile. Thomas is WRONG..!
It's good to make some new memories at that park. You know, I'm ok. Nothing could happen, it could all fall through, and I'd barely be phased. This is a new approach, and in some ways it's a bit scary. It's not complete apathy, but more than I have ever known in situations like this in the past. It could go either way, and it will go either way. And that will happen and it will be fine! Lighthearted. Like a feather. Not being very careful but not needing to be. Refraining from typing it all out and explaining and aweing at the words and descriptions themselves. I am more me now than I have been for a long time, I am excited and ready and okay with it all. This is the fleeting phase, this is where it is most interesting because none of it matters and it's turning a corner without knowing the upcoming direction. Screw any stress or apphrension. Anything is possible! I want to shout that to him with a big smile on my face as he searches my eyes and warms my hands. We can walk away knowing we didn't waste any time and that we have no regrets. But for now, keep me spinning because I'm still euphorically swinging. Go ahead and touch my hair, I want it. Sometime we'll be together at night again and it will come back as it had before. Under a cupola or not. I can be brave if he will just lead. Oh no, I've typed too much! Just keep my cheeks hurting, it won't be that hard.
April is a beautiful month because the rain. Its scent and the warm wind that accompanies it as the sun momentarily peeks out from behind the clouds. Appreciate my umbrella. This weather was made for getting warmer and getting closer. The drops drip down into the pond as the circles expand and we watch as the surface becomes alive. The grass is green and vibrant and the clouds above form a thick ceiling of a canopy, encasing us in these outdoors. The cattails are thick and stalky and the muddy is potentially squishy, but that won't be known for sure unless it's tried. Maybe you don't know if anything is possible until you try it. If it happened once, it can happen again. It if didn't happen once, then we won't know until we try. Show me this scene months ago, maybe after the premier concert, and I would have grinned. Someone once said the past doesn't exist. Someone is very very wrong, just like Thomas. I got myself here, and that is all the more a reason, an origin, of a smile.
Ben speaks to me softly and leans in a while, Zeb gesticulates, Amelia knowingly (somehow) glances, Sean flashes a cheesy grin and obliges, Petie listens and huffs, Julian asks of his birthday, Kristina softly mentions that we should talk more during history, and Quincy adds honey to his tea as I fill my glass. Explain logic through logic, what is truth and why does my coffee taste like this. It is a good place to be, and I knew it.
You don't need something to worship, and you can have faith in yourself and those you deeply love. Just find that purposeful bounce in your step and a rapid beat within, and you are alive.
leesah-likes at 10:50 p.m.