2005-04-05
stimul-us
I had a really good time after school today. It felt good to get it off my chest, so to speak. I need to start melting this ice cube because I'm making too big of a deal out of it. But I kind of need to. It's helping me survive. I never needed this before, it was just always nice to have. Like that movie quote on love that I mentioned way back when from "Adaptation."
Tons of people I talked to today effectively mentioned that there are only forty or so more days of school, and "oh my gosh, can you believe it's April already?" (actually, i am the only person i know who really says "oh my gosh." strike that, maybe. "i am the only person i know who.." statements are usually false.) I'm terrified of this summer. Yeah I hate the school work, but I have no idea what I am going to do when it all ends.
maybe this is because my life is currently in a vast transitioning phase.
i've never been depressed before. never longer than a day, if that even counts. so i'm not sure what it feels like. but i could swear i felt it coming on as i sat in school today. there's no real way to describe the sadness, it's just.. basic. not self-pity or loathing or bored-sad or unique/creative/insightful sad, just sad. like this is my life, and i'm not liking it very much.
that all changes. i slip in and out of it. my friends are pretty good at pulling me through, but they don't know it. how do you tell them something like that? you can't, really.
life isn't a circle. it's more like a 3-D spiral. a shirley temple hair curl or even a curly fry, if you will. you can hit the same kind of stuff (but it's always somehow significantly different- this isn't tracing a circle over and over, you see) on a different level. some people descend their spiral, some move upward. that's me. i take steps up every once in a while, even if momentarily i find myself drifting backward. sometimes i feel like i(that's a good song, if you know the rest. rhcp version is best)'m trying to walk up a descending elevator. i've been introduced to that feeling within the past couple of months. you just don't get anywhere. i stopped walking out of exhaustion, and let the elevator take me down. now i'm on stairs (who knows how many steps?), and i'm running toward the top. sick of analogies yet? good for you.
this spiral of a life can be dizzy.
doing the nervous system in biology. today we had a taste lab. i struggled to distinguish between bitter and sweet.
day by day. got more smiles, even a wave and name recognition. yesss, score! mwaha, i love laughing at this. do you know the true meaning of being tickled pink?!
patient, hopeful, awaiting.
to be joined under a sunlit canopy
and see the forest through the trees
banish my misery and the question why
as that part of me will die
now seeking something different and more
and hoping that it's worth looking for.
bandages surround my soul
as a heavy past takes its toll
i was long ago released by thee
and soon i'll set my own heart free
i count on time changing as it passes by
and i can't change myself, but i'll try.
no one yet has filled the void of care
but the hope for someone else is there.
and new taste, smell, sight and touch
one to realize i matter this much.
so you let me go, and now so will i
to a future as vast as the sky
... i can't finish this. just get out of my dreams. you aren't welcome there anymore.
who's on first, what's on second, i don't know is on third! it could be really, really awesome!! i want to play frisbee and for it to get a little violent. something happened last time julian pushed me down, and i haven't been the same since. all you need is love.. shove. :P
my wine is spiked with pomegranite... dahdahdahdahhhumhum
now is yesterday, today, and tomorrow all in one. you need to realize that.
a shower is going to be so nice. i'm inspired. seeing him is the stimulus, but i am all, all my own response.
leesah-likes at 9:02 p.m.