2005-02-24
overwhelmed
Diary, I want to describe one part of my life to you. It's hard to explain, though. But I think it is beautiful. I know people have really loose definitions of that word, but it really is.
I tried to see my life today as if the "me" from a year ago or so had been somehow transported into my body and life as they are today at this time. Kind of like how sometimes in movies they show a prequel and then fade out and ahead to a later time. ("12 months later") Except that it's from my point of view. No, I'm not really comparing my life to a movie, just saying I was trying to imagine what the me from last year would have thought.
I walked to my locker after Spanish class. People poured out of the doorways. Petie was at our locker getting her stuff. Oh, so I share a locker with Petie, and it's over here, the year-old me would say. She would be slightly happy about this and think with an accomplished "hrm!" She really likes Petie. Dan would be a few lockers down, and he would talk to me/her a little and say bye with a smile before he left. It's nice that we have lockers by each other this year! Then, remarkably, as I would be picking up lots of books to take home for homework, (I must be taking pretty hard classes this year!) a tall boy in shorts would walk up to Petie. The old me did not recognize him, but he gave a big smile in a toothy but un-croccdile like way as Petie looked at him and lit up. They would take each others hands and smile and talk. My/her first impression of him, had she met him this way, would have been favorable. Petie must have a boyfriend, and that's him. Good for her. He seems really nice. Then she/me would continue getting stuff ready to go home, put my coat on. Julian could be seen walking down the hallway. He stopped right by my locker to get his stuff (i guess we all have lockers by each other). Here she would recognize something comfortably familiar. Julian was there, her friend, just as she remembered him a year ago. Things hadn't changed, they hadn't drifted apart. This was really nice to see.
Petie was still talking to the boy and she looked so happy. She/me kind of shrugged and felt glad for her. it's nice, really nice. good for her. Then, she would notice someone standing behind her. She looked back at him. She wouldn't reconize him, of course, she had no idea who he was. But he was looking at her. He seemed happy, content at the least. She would have no idea who he is, how much he means. He would seem a little aback, like not in her face (which she would appreciate), yet definitely present. I can't even begin to really describe it. I think she would see, see him, see herself/me as i am now, and know and understand and smile. Smile to sore cheeks and wonder what had happened in the past twelve months in that somehow this could be created to the extent that she could just feel it and began to comprehend what it all meant.
she would not be disappointed. she would be compelled, and thrilled if she saw his smile, which she probably wouldn't have if we're talking about today. Had it been months ago. Her/my birthday, roses and all of it. if she could only feel what it is like to be with him, what was in store for her. Blissful, she could discern, if she heard the things he was capable of saying and just how perhaps I would glow like petie did. maybe she would notice it all. the whales and clouds, the lips, the good elbows and everything, everything else. what would she think? there he is.
i don't know if i can keep going. i know in retrospect this will all look really dumb and like something is wrong with me or the way i think. i can't help it. it was some version of an epiphany, something i want to grasp and embrace because it was so, so good to think about.
i know things aren't always as good as they ought to be. i know i can be hasty and careless, i see it all within myself these days perhaps even more critically than everyone else. i know there could have been much better days she could have viewed. it's just a thursday, february 24 in 2005. but even in the ordinary nature of this day, it would have been extraordinary to see what she has, what has her.
this was my future. this is what it has became. i'm so thankful. i don't know what comes next. i know sometimes what i want, how i would have modified the scene to make her even more in wonder. i know, and i'll work on it. but i can only do so much myself.
i've been really emotional lately. it all comes out when i'm at home after school and by myself (ie right now). i get an immense feeling inside and i don't know if it is good or bad. it is about something, but then again it is about everything. i don't know whether to worry or how to be more than i am (to something) or how to embrace all that i have. ironic as it is, life is even overwhelming in its banality.
i don't know what i'd say to megirlfromlastyear if i could tell her anything. there is so much, i wouldn't know where to begin. i have some idea though...
look, look at what you have, what i have today. this is what my life is like, this is what i am blessed with every day at school. the hard classes, the friends, and Him. this, this is what you're in for. take it, take it all and don't neglect it one bit. love it to whatever extent is allowed, and make the most of it. all of it.
leesah-likes at 4:12 p.m.