2005-02-01
illity
Let's suppose for a moment that life truly is a metaphorical game. In this game, there are losers, and there are winners. The beginning and ending to the game are quite apparent. Points are scored along the way, and more than in just some slang term. There are deductions of scores as well. Timeouts, fouls, all exist within this game of life. Some are team players, others independent. There are coaches, there are trainees. One can be traded to another team, or change "sports." Competition, evolution as well. In this grand scenario, God is the one keeping score, right? I can't find a viable arguement to disagree with any of this. Perhaps really life is just another game. But it's probably the most important one we'll ever play.
This morning I saw a grey sunrise. I did not see a grey sun rise, but a grey sunrise. I want to have a conversation with a meteorologist considering whether weather is random or not. It would probably get pretty axiom-ic and profound. I thought about that this morning. In the school courses to receive a degree in meterology, the pre-weatherpersons should be required to take a "philosophies pertaining to weather" seminar course, and maybe an astrology one too just to irk some people.
There were classy upscale women in New York high society in the early twentieth century who did not desire the right to vote and thought less of women who did. I wonder what it would feel like not the desire these freedoms that we possess. As a liberated American, I can't really fathom not wanting these rights. Times have changed. What is just has transgressed what is refined. Whether they wanted it or not, they got it. The freedom not to exercise the freedom. This is all political-ideological musings that are probably not worth the waste of a paragraph.
I usually feel sad during English. It's a bad part of my day, and I know it's my own fault. I hate sitting in gloomy situations and know that it is my fault that it is that way. It is all a matter of personal attitude, life is as enjoyable as you allow it to be. Sometimes that really pisses me off. Life it's up to me to decide how good things are, not the well-wishing of some universal higher power that can control me. Being cynical and cruel here (oh what a stretch for me), I can admit, unlike some women, that I am in control of my emotions. It is completely up to me what they do and how I can. I need to take responsibility. Sean asked me a question today in English and I felt really crappy so even though I heard him I didn't answer. Because I didn't want to. People always feel obligated to answer. What is wrong with saying nothing at all, even though it is expected? I didn't take on the responsibility I have to others, to myself, in ignoring him. Being difficult is easier than it seems.
Being easy would be so, so hard. Just to let everything roll off my back and smile something true and not necessarily seek superficiality, but not to puncture surfaces in seeking something deeper. I need to be on guard (en garde!) and conscious which somehow is contorted with a position of meanness that I can neither retort nor defend. I need to stop resenting people. I know I am not jealous, I know this most certainly, but I somehow unavoidably resent something I see on the face of others that I believe absent from my own. I don't want their eyes, I know that too. I haven't seen much truth in eyes for a long time. All indignance shall pass. It must.
leesah-likes at 8:38 p.m.