2007-04-18
the taunting daunting
I feel so confused.
I�m trying to figure out how my life works, and I�m having a very difficult time at it.
What matters to me?
I�ve been striving for sociality so much lately. It�s been such a priority. Meeting, connecting, maintaining. All while trying to genuinely promote myself as an interesting and enjoyable person. This has been my focus, my relations with other people and the emotions and experiences produced therein. It�s like a vortex I get sucked into, where this is my world, all these interactions comprise my existence. They are what I am and what I do. And when I don�t have it, I am lonely.
I am addicted to the yearning for people and the events created from the exchanges I have with them as well as the thoughts and emotions that they provoke.
Is this a problem?
I feel a little bit like I am scraping. In a pessimistic yet somehow valid way, I feel like college is an inherently selfish experience. Each student is intrinsically focused on their own path through this time, their own personal journey. People seem less concerned with genuinely caring for other people and making deep connections, ones that stir you and move you and help carry you and inspire you through your days. Can I really say I feel differently about it myself? If someone here was aching, how much would I go through to make them feel better, how much would I want to altruistically bring forth to benefit them? I feel like nothing I do socially is altruistic; there is always a natural motive to improve my own situation and have people like me in return. I also feel like I have this ideal of Petie and Julian against which I compare all my friendships here, and of course none of them hold a candle to my best friends. And that frustrates me so I surge forward even more, seeking. But in this world of self-interest, what is the use? Self interest is right. We come here to learn. Some of us act like we are here to drink and hook up. But education is the primary impetus. I don�t feel like I�ve lost it, but I feel it slipping into the back, gradually receding as I focus on feeling good and seeking my fundamental ways of happiness.
And are studying/learning and happiness mutually exclusive? Why does it seem that way? Where is my harmonious balance that I always strive to achieve? I study because of my passion, my sincere interest in acquiring knowledge. Why has it been feeling less fulfilling and satisfying lately?
I want to think long-term. I realize some of my relationships are petty when compared against the long-term spectrum. Will I really care about come of the concerns I have now ten years down the line? Even in a few months, a year- will it matter?
What does matter? Why do I feel alone in this dilemma, and why does that bother me?
I think about the idea of challenges, opportunities to stretch and expand me as a thinking, learning, curious and inquisitive, responsible adventurous adult, I think of the possibilities to broaden my scope in the world and explore my capabilities, and the possibilities sound so awesome. But in reality, I find myself coming up short. I�m worried about my summer plans, I�m worried about not going home and reuniting with my friends, I�m worried that I�ll be unhappy, and consequently worried that I�m too high-maintenance about my emotions and the fact that I can�t handle being unhappy, because it�s a problem.
I should be able to be okay with not being happy. I should do something I haven�t done in a while, which is SUCK IT UP. Because as ironic and counter-logical as it is, sometimes you have to go through not-fun stuff and feeling like crap in order to get what you really want. And even though I�m confused about what I really want, I know that success and accomplishment are intrinsic in my desires. YES I DO KNOW THIS. All the fun things I've been doing lately can�t ever obscure this truth so central to my being. I want to make something of myself, I want to think and wonder and come out having made something of my effort. I do need to suck it up. Studying for hours in the library isn�t supposed to be fun, but you get something out of it, you get what you came here for, and that�s the best you could ever ask for.
I�m starting to get somewhere with this. Perhaps happiness is not as essential as I would have myself so vehemently believe. Happiness cannot always come first, because it confuses and obscures other factors which can lead to potentially greater and far more substantial happiness- happiness in the form of feeling thoroughly rewarding. It�s almost like the difference between heterotrophy and autotrophy. I need to be auto-happiness, creating my own through legitimately significant and important processes. Succeeding WILL make me happy. Enough of this hetero-trophy, because as much as I don�t like to admit it, I DO rely on people to make me feel good. I do. And that�s natural; anyone would if they were approaching sociality as I have been, with such a proactive stance on it. But this is not what�s best for me, it really isn�t. It�s time to take more control over my life. In my writings lately, I�ve been saying lately how I can�t change people and what they want. I don�t want to dwell on that or even concern myself with that any more. I need to focus on sucking it up, because the concept is so central to life. Get up. LIVE. Living is doing, and by that I don�t mean chatting with Sasha on the Bald Spot while half-reading. Living is creating, it is conceiving and applying and accomplishing. It isn�t based on the pettiness that won�t even be acknowledgeable in a few years because it�s so irrelevant and unsubstantial. I want to milk every opportunity to take in this world- not by gauging my wellbeing my by webs and links to other busy souls, but by seizing the places where I can vividly apply myself. Suck it UP! The reward will not be instant, and it might not even be apparent, because the reward isn�t what�s important! It�s not! Face it, Lisa, it�s not ultimately about the benefits that you yield! It is far more great and ambiguous and important than that! It is a continuous pulse and reverberation of life, and you are one soul. Just one. Do what you can. Be less self-concerned. You�re going to be okay, no matter what. There is love, so much of it. Just think of Lizz. And Montana. All of that LOVE. You don�t need tiny frisky petty indulgences. You need to feel the roots of everything you are, and let it guide you into the great things you potentially can become. Beyond your latest situations. Beyond it all, soaring. Take your work as an opportunity to apply your body, your mind, your personality, your zest, your enigma. Don�t fret the motivation, it will be there when it needs to, it�s such a vague concept that there is no use fussing over it, because it can�t be created or shoved force. So don�t worry. Small steps. You could walk a thousand miles, all by moving one foot in front of the others.
It�s that easy. And that fabulously daunting.
You wouldn�t want it any other way.
leesah-likes at 12:03 a.m.