2007-03-27
of my own
Today I told someone that I think emotions are beautiful and that they are to be expressed and developed rather than stifled and disregarded. I wonder to what extent I believe myself. Emotions can be so insipid sometimes, so ridiculous other times. I can't tell her to stop with the drama. It's how some people function, and I can't demean or belittle that, I have to accept it, although perhaps not prefer it.
Would I really be good at this psych stuff? I think that I am trying to be, and that it's creating a more bland self-image than I would like. Sometimes I feel myself being a little too practical and rational about my emotions, seeking compromise, sanity, and even accomodation. I need more peaks in my emotional scale, less valleys and tiny slumps. I feel plain and standard, accepting the status quo and even striving for it. I feel safe, and responsible. Both of these things are good, but I kind of want to transcend them by seeking remarkable joy, outrageous laughter for the absurdity of life, irresistable lust, and the feeling of being so free that you could just burst into tiny little you-fragments, becoming one with the atmosphere and flowing through it.
Roger presented a cool idea during Tibetan Buddhism today: "I am in this world, but I am not of it." I want to be in this world, and of my own. My own world where I best like the wind when I am laying myself against the earth and watching the air currents sway through the trees above, my own world where I strive to look at everyone's faces in a slightly different way each time I see them (your nose looks bigger to me today!) so as to increase my perspectives starting with appearance and moving beyond, a world that relishes in the pulsation of vitality throughout this world in which I live and belong. I need more giggle fits, more lovely breaths escaping from my mouth into a boy's as our lips osculate (more use of crazy words as well, you see!), more starings at the clouds grazing across this dome of energy and life.
I know I romanticize my ideal and make my current self pale in comparison. I mean to do neither of these things; I simply strive (as always) to further seek baskingness for the beauty of life. I don't know where I stand on dramatic emotions and this faux-shrink business. I do know that as spring buds began to bloom, I'll further seek the world of my own.
leesah-likes at 11:32 p.m.