2006-12-28
being right
Maybe I went wrong with not following proper blog etiquette and not writing about bland things in a pseudo-authoritative way- like politics, a patronizing approach to societal patterns and the future of humanity, or wax philosophic on something sappy like a fortune cookie or a steamy makeout sesh with a stranger. I�ve really erred here, haven�t I?
I do not feel good right now; I am not sure how things are.
I am under the powerful influence of being alone, exhausted yet unable to lose consciousness, and in the midst of a major and wrenching life transition.
It is just me and these words, and they don�t know what to say.
I know that fear is futile, but I can�t help it. I�m scared, and I am admitting it.
I have to leave, I have to go. Home is sanguinity that I don�t have to strive to achieve-- it�s familiarity where I can be natural and unthinking and still right and okay. I am right here- as in correct and true. And these people.. thinking of them makes me tear up quite a bit. Like I said- alone and tired. It�s an impelling blend.
I am faced with this sad longing that is sinking in, even though I�m still here. And despite it, I want to earnestly and gallantly return to my other realm, refreshed and eager. I can go back with my regained sense of self and comfort; I can loosen the stupid harness I seemed to wear sometimes- the one that held me back in case people didn�t like what I brought forth.
I don�t think I can do it. This is me doubting myself. This is me questioning my awesomeness and ability to be right in a place other than home. I wasn�t right at school, I was pretty reserved and a bit homesick. I don�t think I was wrong- I�m fond of Carleton enough to believe that no one could ever be �wrong� there. But it didn�t fit, and I was at fault.
There is so much to think upon, so much to live. Sister and mom are home now. Family is a whole �nother issue, one with frustration and impatience and guilt. But mostly love.
It�s all mostly love. Just conflicted love, when I bring it back to me. Maybe I should do what no bloggers seem to do- maybe I should leave me out of it.
So I�m going to fight my fear- or rather forget about it and just glide upon my ease and joy within this place, our places.
leesah-likes at 9:26 p.m.