2006-11-01
a'rrested
Sometimes I just lay back with my eyes closed and allow what I remember about life before college to flow through me. I remember instances I liked, ones that permeated me with some sense of meaning, ones long before I ever came here and lived like this. It's just distinct and I feel this big contrast between Montana/home, and this college place thing in Minnesota. The contrast is not in me- I want to be consistent especially since I am okay with and sure of who I am. But the experiences themselves differ so vividly. So when I rest, I think about ways it's been before. It feels nostalgic and sentimental in some ways, but it's more just this recollection not for the sake of longing and yearning, but for the purpose of remembering and perhaps in a sense, holding close to me, even through these most contrasted times.
I can see us on the shore in Oregon. I remember each of the senses- the weight of Petie on me during a laughable piggyback ride, the cold sand on my feet, the sound of Ben's stick as he drew a circle around me. There's Julian's smile and us frolicking and teasing the tide. The sky was grey and everything had this weird light about it. And we were happy. There were big rocks and we just played along the shore.
I know the family dinner; where I sit, what Edward says, how we reach for the noodles first. I remember Mom saying we have to pray- and this expression sometimes got on Elena's face like she doesn't know what look to make- does she smile? Or stare ahead? What should she do with her face? Tato sits on the end of the table.
I see Lizz; I see her in her room with its dim light and the walls covered with multifarious things, each one catching your eye a different way. I see the view of Flathead Lake from her porch- how the bay spanned so big and that I couldn't see to other end. The mission mountain range is to the east. I know the sky exactly, no matter how much it changes I would recognize it. This is home, you know? I can sit here on my "dorm mattress" and close my eyes and get back there. Get back to all these random places and in all these people- the last time Vinnie and I ever took a ride to our song, the bathtub at Baba's house, or going to Girl Scouts every other Wednesday in the local Presbyterian church. I am so there, when I just think about it and say "damn, things are so different now." because they really are.
leesah-likes at 2:09 p.m.