2006-07-06
while running
i wanted to remain suspended in time, moving forever.
with my limbs in motion, i am not leaving for carleton and all the alien realms in which i'll have to assimilate myself.
i am not worrying that those i hold close to me don't truly care and love my being. there is not overwhelming depressing surge of possibility that they are just being devoted and tolerant of all my dumb ways.
i don't have to wonder when i'll be touched again or if i'll find someplace cozy in someone else. i don't have to avoid unhealthy foods or wear blank shoes and pants, standing there forever. sex doesn't exist, and neither does the telephone. and other people are around, but i don't feel like i have to share myself with them. i see the backdrop of the lake, but it is dormant. my own breath is what is near and real.
if i could just move like this.
i can rely on myself and not feel so exhausted with the rest of existence and all the pressing i feel from it.
the pressing i would impose upon myself is physical, not emotional. it would embrace the beautiful, coordinating dance of my muscles to tendons, the give and take with each step.
with all the thoughts swarming in my mind like big clumsy bumble bees, struggling with articulation but knowing it all in this really true and great, fuzzy bumble bee way.
i really don't know what else is happening. i've decided that i have lots more to give though, so i might as well start doing it.
i'm really just floating. i probably need some semblance of a grip. but we'll see what happens.
you'll be hearing from me shortly.
leesah-likes at 9:59 a.m.