2006-03-05
blue skies ahead
"enjoy your life. it's really the only thing you have."
-lizz
A man come to my checkstand; he is wearing a scarf round his neck fashionably (I find this commendable as it is something I struggle with, I just can't get my scarf to behave in a cool way about my neck. anyway..) and has the telltale white ipod lines streaming from his ears. He hands me his pasta. "I donot understand zese price zings," he tells me. "It sayz 'five for five dollorz,' is zat not the same as one for one dollor?'" I just shrug.
I ring up a woman's wine, and a discount is taken, and the register takes it off cumulatively so that by the time I press the "total" button, it says "-26.57."
These are just examples and anecdotes of a few occurences I've experienced.
It's work. That's what it is.
And it's draining, and I perfectly comprehend why in an analytical way behind the common-sense understanding of it.
You see, not to victimize myself- because I think we all deal with this to some extent- but I have to stretch myself across like three different worlds. There's the school world, the loosely-connected (heh, very loose by this point) social/people-relations world, and now the lovely addition of the work world.
Each has its own orbits and operates under its own terms, but I am needed at all of them- I have a place at all. And it is a matter of having to stretch myself across. Imagine taking leesahness, giving it a few winds on those awesome taffy-stretching machines, and then pulling it out, taut, leaving little room for slack. I can feel myself yawning already. This leaves little room for creative energy or trying to be interesting/alluring "ooh look at me, i'm so worth spending time with! fix my latest crises (more on this [or not] later)." And hence, also little time for writing. And herein lies my explanation.
I'm not going to chronicle my biggest life issue at this current time, because the pettiness of it is a bit hilarious. At least I'm okay. Or rather, okay with not being okay. Surely and truly, I promise. This is not one of the occasions when leesah nimbly lifts her chin and manages a trite "yup" in the most upbeat voice she can muster. Those times most certainly occur, but this is not one of them.
So I'm already into Willamette; they told me early based on some "fast-track honors" thing. Good. Yay. I wonder about the others.
Last night, I watched "Pride and Prejudice," and I became totally enamored with romance itself.
I truly yearn to be in love. It doesn't always strike me, it is often dormant and that is how I prefer it, otherwise I'd be all sappy and desperate.
But how I wish I were.
These days, sometimes I even struggle to be in love with life. But umpf, another person! An incredible boy, or at least incredible to me! Doesn't that sound wonderful?! Lots of warmth and uncontrollable smiles, getting lost deep into a conversion that is really so profound but yet just simple and ultimately enjoyable! I've slipped from any such pursuits. Maybe this is something to earnestly remember.. when I'm not too busy scanning broccoli (UPC #4549).
The sky usually lacks any deep brightness these days, but sometimes I can still raise my face to the sunlight. I am heliotropic, yes I am. Bending toward the brilliance.
I'm not sure what I am now. I'm naive, drained, procrastinating, okay. I'm not what I want to be, but I lurch on, as does the time. It's March now. I'm going to see more brightness this month, and it's a little bit beyond explanation. Let's just say that vibrancy is definitely on its way.
leesah-likes at 6:51 p.m.