2005-11-13
choices
i come home and i am so so tired and delirious and i am aware that it is just a stream but i am also aware that that is about all i am aware of.
i sat there i sat there next to him and he softly sang to me and said he was sorry and i asked why and he said because it didn't do me justice and then i take the seat later, forehead to it and i think about myself and how much i wouldn't like me through her eyes and how i hold subtle resentments that i sense in myself and how i just want a gigantic smile to try to show people.
i am not fawned; i am not desired and i sit back, back i sit.
feign apathy if you think that helps. you love him, you do. it's not the sexy type though, damn. i do not know where my head is at; it ebbs and flows. should i have led you on a little longer? would you come around again?
him and i are not close like i once thought we were.
everyone feels cracked, fall in crevice caves.
move to better and be mad at my face.
i could sleep sleep sleep forever, never wake up, i tried to tell him on the way back that sleep is a celebration of life and he seemed to agree but it could have been hesitance, it is so hard to say.
it's never the same �him.�
kiss my cheek, say i'm cute (in this light), think �bitch� in your head.
when did i start to care.
feet rub innocent warm so what? this is how it works. it's not politics. it's doing what feels right without the inhibiting neurotic thoughts that you yourself cling to.
wishing wishing that sick hope is never good enough. what were you thinking? when?
i DO miss it. lots. but mostly you.
just want to be good, isn't that all it ever is? no?
and what happens next?
if only it all fit in a way that i could comprehend.
i had forgotten about him.
it's all an active choice. it is what you make it to be. you know that. i don't know where you lost it.
it will be christmas soon enough.
lisa, life goes on. just hold fast to what makes you feel good. some things slip through. learn to let them release as best you can. Choices. everything is a Choice. live your decisions.
Oh, and a sappy addendum is very quaint in an entry such as this:
If life's meaning is to be discovered, it is intrinsic in each stage as we assume the challenge of actualizing every moment of every day as we live it. Because I am the only person I will have a relationship with all my life, I choose:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To love myself the way I am now To always acknowledge that I am enough just the way I am To love, honor and cherish myself To be my own best friend To be the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with To always take care of myself so that I can take care of others To always grow, develop and share my love and life.
There's absolutely no reason for being rushed along with the rush. Everybody should go very slow. What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.- Robert Frost (it still means so much and as it did before.)
leesah-likes at 12:32 p.m.