2005-10-18
out of my system
Oh the games you play in that head of yours, dear Lisa. That beautiful head and the mischievious, self-defeating plans it concocts. How pungent; how keen. How... No.
At least you can recognize them as games.
Whether they be metaphorically soccer or monopoly, I know not.
But I can see them in action.
You are trying to keep yourself busy.
In the most pessimistic sense, nothing is feasible. As a logical thinker (hey, that's a compliment), you simply drift toward the least un-feasible. Which you are actually quite wrong about.
I make no sense?! What?! No?! Really?!?!!
I could be watching Jeopardy right now.
�There are thoussands of people who would be miserable were they in the same position as you. They would make themselves miserable, because that is their temperament- that is their way of looking at things. And even in your happy and enviable position, with all your health and wealth, and hosts of friends and abundance of interest, they would find plenty of things out of which to make their misery. On the other hand... thousands of people would be supremely happy if they were in your circumstances. (oh and you know here comes my favorite part....) Life is like an ocean. It buoys one man up because he strikes it skillfully. It drowns the other because he yields to it passively and blindly.� -Garry Carter
There is something sad about being single. And that is having no one to kiss.
In fact, I don't know how to word my approach to this, because I will sound petty, pitiful, insecure, and morally corrupt in any way that I put it. Or I will be wishy-washy and sappy-poetic about it, as always. I could take the scientific route even, but couldn't do it justice and it would fall horribly stale and collapse the claim. Whatever I say on it, it will be judge-able. I don't know why I'm being so self-coinscious about this. Screw it. Hell, it's my journal and I really don't care.
I've known physical pleasure before, I have; I've known it often and well. It was incredibly indulgent to satisfy someone else, but even moreso to be immerse in the strong and shared feelings expressed. Because that's what it essentially was. Words aren't enough, they will never suffice. But a kiss can mean so much. Lips softly connecting, so moist and earnest to be together, bound and thriving. Some areas of the body are sensitive, so sensitive. To have them nestled and nutured feels wonderful beyond.. beyond any such overused adjective such as �wonderful� itself.
I miss this. I miss the hand fitting so well in mine, and the warmth of arms encompassing me. Skin against skin. The taste and smell of the skin, on the earlobe or the chest, the elbow. Hands softly grazing the contours of my face; thumb gently sweeping below the eye as the palm holds the side of my face, nestling the curve of my jaw. I breathe and I am beyond cognitive, conscious thought as we slip deeper and deeper and deeper into each other. Getting lost and not wanting to find our way out. Lost together. I don't feel like getting graphic and going into further detail on this, but it feels so good. I never knew that sinning could be so pleasureful. God.
The �we� and �together� type stuff is so difficult. It's not what I was getting at, but it seems to come with the territory.
It's hard to express any of this without coming off as just some horny girl. And also because if I'm not that, then I must be the converse- a romance-hungry girl seeking out a name to write in hearts across my notebook, someone to give me flowers. I'm neither, I think. To hell with what I am. I'm me. And this is what I miss.
I feel hopeless, hapless, in getting it again any time soon. I know societal regulations as well as the next refined conformist. I'm not a hooker-upper (is it possible that's where the term �hooker� came from?). I'm not confident or daring enough to be like that, and I cringe thinking about such unfamiliar territory because I'm too neurotic to konw what to do or handle the situation. If a guy offered to satiate my unquenched thrist (hah, not that one ever, ever, seriously and meaningfully would), I would probably be too freaked out to even consider it.
As you can see, I've woven myself into a paradox. I had some delicious bites (it tasted so good, I remember..), and now I am hungry for more. Yet despite this keen desire, I am unwilling to do whatever it takes to attain it (it? what?), or simply don't know what to do or am unable in my current personality and values to go for it. I can't satiate myself. You can read into that or not, you're right either way.
Sooo...?
Stupid mind games.
Lack of concentration where it is due.
Whims. Hypotheticalities (?), fantasies, unjustified and stifled or dismissed arousals.
Oh. Well.
There's plenty of spanish homework to be done, calculus, biologeee, and MPA to consider (I'll have to talk about that some other time, if I feel like it). But as always, there will be more of This. So yeah. This is where my mind's at. I think I just need to get it out of my system, but I have no idea how. It will probably die of or I'll supress it. I'm not hopeful, but I'm not hopeless either. We'll see how it goes.
leesah-likes at 6:52 p.m.